Part 7
Love? Go back to the countryside.
The party continued, but it ended with Chi, she asked permission to go home first, Mr. Danh wanted to send someone to take her home but she said no need and took the initiative to take a taxi. When she got back to the rented room, the silence came, then like a cocoon it tightly wrapped around her. There was only the sound of high heels left haphazardly by the door and the rustling of the wrinkled ao dai lying on the chair. The only thing she cherished and placed neatly on the bed was the vest, she gently hoped that the warmth would not disappear.
She went to the mirror and looked at herself in it, her face still not yet washed off the makeup, the newly dried tears now added new drops following the stream. Her trembling hands clenched together as if trying to hold back the rising anger from within.
But then everything fell apart.
Chi rushed into the bathroom, the door had barely closed when she heard the sound of the water being flushed. She bent down, her eyes scanning every part of her skin that still bore the impression of the strange man. Her hands grabbed the remaining layers of fabric on her body and tore them off as if rejecting everything that man had ever touched.
The water gushed from the shower, cool but not soothing her fear or disgust. She stood there, crying, then scrubbing obsessively.
Starting from her high, white neck, the place her mother called her “proud, three-fold neck” and praised as elegant. This was where that filthy beast had kissed and rubbed his face. Next was her high, round buttocks, smooth skin, this was the place she was always proud of and took care of. Yet his dirty hands dared to reach under the two flaps of her long dress and then cover them, so brazen.
Here was the round, not too big, not too small, plump and just the right size with two bright red nipples like two juicy cherries. This was the place that represented her femininity, allowing her to fully show off her precious youth. But he had already caressed it, and even wanted to tear her shirt off to see it all. Finally, she gently stroked the short, sparse hair on her curved pubic mound, feeling resentful. This was her virtue, her dignity, the place she had always kept in mind to protect and only give to her lover, as if to prove her wholeheartedness. Yet today he had violated it.
She hated him, loathed the feeling that lingered everywhere he had touched her. She poured the entire bottle of shower gel on herself and began to scrub vigorously. The foam was white, her hands rubbing hard on her skin without mercy. Ten minutes passed, her whole body was covered with faint red, burning marks, but the feeling still did not go away.
She collapsed helplessly. The water was still flowing, but Chi only hugged her knees and sobbed, her shoulders shaking with sobs. She did not scream, nor did she call anyone’s name, she just sat there trembling like a poor wounded animal. The feeling of filthiness made her indignation surge, she felt as if she had been smeared, not only on her skin, but also in her guts, deep in her still immature heart. A gentle girl, who had never loved, had never let anyone touch her… yet her first experience with a man was a brutal rape that only brought her disgust and humiliation.
She didn’t know how long she sat in the cold water, only remembering that the choking anger subsided when she thought of Mr. Danh. He didn’t need to say much, just one kick of the door, his sharp eyes, his steely spirit, was enough to be her bright spot in the dark night of despair. She still remembered his shoulders at that time were strangely large, each step he took, firmly crushing her helplessness.
Her heart actually skipped a beat when he placed his coat on her shoulders. That fleeting look was not pitying, not judging, but full of tenderness and sorrow. She felt cherished, gently protected, that was the least thing a child without a father could feel in the world. His coat at that moment… why was it so warm?
Chi suddenly opened the bathroom door, her body still wet and naked, she rushed out, looking for the vest she had just left neatly on the bed. She sat down, her hands trembling as she opened it, gently pressing her face against the soft fabric that smelled of sandalwood, lotus tea, the deep, warm scent of a mature man… his scent. Familiar, gentle, reassuring.
She wrapped her arms around the shirt, pressing it tightly to her chest as if he were hugging her. In the panic she had just felt, after her first contact with a man, she had wanted to disappear. But now, in the imaginary embrace, she did not want to leave. The dark memories that had made her resentful gradually gave way to images and feelings that made her happy. She remembered the brief smile Mr. Danh gave her when he waved her over… she remembered the touch on her shoulder when they stood in a corner looking out at the party… she remembered the look from his deep eyes that seemed to want to draw her in. And most of all, she remembered that touch on her shoulder, the light touch when he had just come to rescue her like a hero.
She looked down and gently stroked her hand on the fabric of his shirt. If this was his skin, every touch would be the same as the other guy’s, but why… she wasn’t disgusted. She rubbed her neck on the collar, it was so gentle that her eyes half-closed. She took the sleeve and placed it on her waist, sliding it down… “uhm” she hummed softly, goosebumps all over her body. Her chest began to heave, her cheeks red, it was just her imagination but why was her heart so restless. The shirt that represented him seemed to have magic, every area it passed through created strange stimulations. She hid it but deep down she knew clearly, two small points on her chest were erect, and between her legs there was a tingling itch.
Chi pounded the pillow, her face burning, she giggled like a teenage girl hiding her smile in her pillow when she remembered the person she loved. Is that right, she was in love?
– No… you are the boss, the teacher… and you are almost thirty years older than me.
She thought to herself, but then she giggled like a child. What’s wrong with liking a kind and strong man? What’s wrong with feeling your heart beat faster when standing next to the man who guided you through every stage of growing up.
And that night, Chi fell asleep in a loose vest, which strangely fit a heart that had just opened for the first time.
Mr. Danh understood that after such an incident, Chi needed some time to calm down. He gave her a week off, or maybe more if she was still depressed. Chi also felt that she was not ready to face everything at the moment, she needed to go somewhere far away to temporarily leave behind all the unwanted things. Chi thought of her mother, and almost without hesitation she booked a ticket to return home.
The last bus of the day stopped in the poor countryside at dusk. It was October with a light wind and a drizzle, the cold seemed to seep through layers of clothing, chilling the fingertips and gradually seeping into the heart.
When Mrs. Le opened the door, she immediately saw the slender figure she waited for every day. The same spoiled hug, the same smile on her lips, but deep in the eyes of her beloved daughter, there was no longer just pure innocence.
She spoke awkwardly, unable to imagine all of her child’s troubles to comfort her. She could only open her heart to warm her child.
– Come in, it’s raining so hard you can get sick, put your things away and I’ll make you a cup of ginger tea.
– I like green tea better, sipping it with dried lychee is the best. There must be a lot of dried lychee this year, Mom. Give me a few more, I crave them so much. I bought them up there several times to eat but they all had worms in the stems.
– Just put your stuff away and come out here.
The small flat-roofed house was different from when she left. The white walls were newly painted and the path from the kitchen to the chicken coop was covered with sturdy corrugated iron, saving her from the hardships of sunny and rainy days. Chi nodded, sipping her still-steaming cup of green tea, looking at the quiet yard and enjoying the peace.
The meal was just the two of them, mother and daughter , but the laughter never stopped. Chi seemed to have forgotten the hustle and bustle of the city behind. Only when the meal was over, did her mother go check the pig and chicken pens, lock up Milu, and lock the gate. Chi finished washing the dishes and then sat alone, absent-mindedly. She just stared blankly, the sky was clear, the moon was high but only half visible, Chi hugged her pillow, occasionally frowning, but then she smiled and buried her face deep in her hands.
Mrs. Le went in and saw everything. She couldn’t hide a smirk and teased her son.
– What are you smiling about? Your eyes are glazed over… are you in love?
Chi turned around, frowning. But that smile widened, sparkling with something that could not be hidden. She denied it, but only for show.
– What love, what love, you tease me again.
– Still denying it, you are my daughter, if I don’t understand then who will? You can hide it from others but not from me.
Chi said nothing. After a while, she waited for her mother to sit down, then she gently leaned her head on her shoulder, then she spoke softly.
– I’m not sure what it is, Mom. It’s just… there’s someone who makes me feel different. It’s not like the crushes I had when I was a student. It’s deeper, quieter, but very clear, Mom.
Mrs. Le did not interrupt, just turned back to look at her daughter. The electric light shining through the porch carved half of Chi’s face on the white wall. She raised her head but did not really know what she was looking at. She continued.
– That person doesn’t talk sweetly, doesn’t smile much, and doesn’t give many compliments. But the way they walk, the way they quietly observe, the way they listen attentively… makes me feel cared for, recognized. There were times when I thought I couldn’t take it anymore, that I would collapse immediately, but just when that person put their hand on my shoulder, gently rubbed it… I felt myself become stronger.
Then she looked up with sparkling eyes as if there was a question mark.
– Is that love, mom?
She was pensive as if rewinding a memory, then her voice was sad as she spoke.
– I am no different from you, I had not yet had time to love before your father suddenly passed away. I only had time to have a title but had not yet felt that sacred love much, since then I have not been moved again. So when it comes to love, I do not know how to advise you.
– I don’t expect that person to know or respond, nor do I want to possess anything. I just want… to keep this feeling as my own, to be by that person’s side to progress every day and be free to be moved. Is that okay?
– Then keep it. Whatever makes you better, more courageous… you should keep it.
Chi nodded slightly. In her mind, the image of that man appeared again, not clear, not specific, but enough to make her eyes soften, a little dreamy. She said nothing more, just let the fragments of memories quietly pass through her mind. All, like gusts of wind, not strong enough to make her sway, but enough to create a smile on her lips.
Outside, the night wind still blew gently, mother and son sat side by side, swaying to the melody of a song. Both were thinking of something sacred in their minds, an emotion that didn’t need to be named, just left alone to exist.
The next morning, a wonderful morning to refresh all the mixed emotions in her heart. Chi stood up and stretched, looking out into the garden. Her mother was coming in from the chicken coop, carrying an empty feed bucket. But what Chi noticed was the expression on her face, very grim. Every now and then she would stop, her hands behind her back, pretending to be in pain. Chi quickly ran out to support her mother.
What’s wrong, mom?
– I’m fine, just a normal backache that will go away in a few seconds.
Chi helped her mother sit down and ran to get some water, but the situation got worse and worse. Her face turned pale, her body temperature rose while sweat dripped down and then ran down in streams. Chi began to worry, so she helped her mother lie down on the bed and immediately called a taxi.
– Don’t worry, it’s just a little backache. Oh, oh… can I have the blanket?
– You can’t neglect your health, mom has a fever. Let me take you to the hospital right away.
It took the mother and daughter half an hour to get to the district hospital. On weekends, the emergency room had few staff, so she had to wait a while. By the time the doctor arrived, the situation had become very bad. Mrs. Le lay curled up, her body limp with pain and fever. Unfortunately for the mother and daughter , it was a holiday, the paraclinical system was down, and there was only one old doctor who looked at the clinical symptoms and gave advice.
– Only ultrasound can give immediate results for paraclinical tests, I have it here. Through the recorded images, the kidney size has significantly shrunk to only 7.2 to 7.5 cm, the renal cortex is thin… etc… plus obvious clinical signs such as back pain, fever, leg swelling and increased blood pressure. In my experience, your mother is most likely suffering from late-stage chronic kidney failure. It is best to transfer your mother to the hospital promptly for more thorough tests to get the most accurate and earliest results.
Hearing this, Chi felt like the world was spinning. Her mother was her only remaining relative, her safe haven, a peaceful place where she could freely confide her feelings. She couldn’t lose her mother, couldn’t let her leave her… at all costs.