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The Running Dead

(I go out for a jog, after not having exercised in a while, so I’m happy that I get my heart rate up. I go home and let my husband…[...]

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I Want To Taste Your (V)ino

(It was a perfect evening, and I and my husband are in bed, ready to make it even more perfect.)Husband: *hugging me and kissing* “Mmm… Love, you smell like merlot.”Me:…[...]

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First Date With Bill

(I’m on a first date with a guy I met through friends. We’re having dinner and drinks in a bar I frequent a lot. He even commented on how the…[...]

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Work And Dogs Have Killed Romance

(I used to work in a hotel. We were never allowed to give out guest’s room numbers without checking with the guest first. One of our agents allowed a guests’…[...]

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Periodically Interrupted Again

(I am the author of – in which my female friends and family members and I will suddenly start talking about periods when a man is around, to make them…[...]

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Mooses And Fences And Cats, Oh My

(My husband comes to bed after I’m asleep. I halfway wake up.)Me: “Did you see the baby mooses?”Husband: “The what?”Me: “The baby mooses. They were jumping through the fence.”Husband: “Do…[...]

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Being Apart From You Is Murder

My husband and I have been married for almost ten years, and rarely go anywhere apart. Recently, I had to go away on a business trip for a week, and…[...]

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Their Love Is (On) Special

(I work as a pharmacy technician and wear barcode stickers on my hands to easily identify myself to the computer. Today I forgot to take them off before picking my…[...]

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A Land-Line To Middle-Earth

(My boyfriend is from Oklahoma. I’m originally from Connecticut, but moved to OK with him. If you aren’t familiar with either area, they are quite different. OK is fairly flat…[...]

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Teaching You New Words To This Day

(I’m playing on my laptop one night, doing non-work things, with my husband near by when I start to get frustrated.)Me: “Oh, poopy butt!”Husband: *laughs* “And that’s how you know…[...]

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Going Out With You Is A Scream

(I am at a large amusement park’s annual Halloween festival, where there are plenty of haunted houses to go through. I am waiting in line and see a teenage girl,…[...]

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Got That Couch Problem Licked

(We’re having a yard sale. I open the garage door to get something when one of the customers spots the couch we have in there and asks if it’s for…[...]

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Jokes So Bad It Leaves You Light-Headed

(My husband is untraditional in his romantic gestures and it suits our whimsical natures quite well. One of the sweetest sentiments he has ever written to me is, “Every day……[...]

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And It Shall Come With Crocodiles

(My boyfriend and I are half-asleep in bed together. Note, we’ve been discussing one day getting a house together.)Boyfriend: *randomly turns to me* “I should think so.”Me: *now awake* “What…[...]

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Things Are Looking Up

(It’s late at night. I’m in bed reading ‘IT’ by Stephen King on my phone. All other lights are off.)Wife: *sitting up but still asleep* “There’s something on the ceiling.”Me:…[...]

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Necessarily Paying Attention

(How to tell my husband isn’t paying attention to me:)Me: “We haven’t had sex in three days.”Husband: “Not necessarily.”(No, he’s not getting sex elsewhere. He just really was not paying…[...]

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A Dress You Can Wear Once A Month

Woman: “I want a dress in your pastel pink collection.”Me: Of course. Have you picked out a style?Woman: “Well, I was wondering if you could drape it like a giant…[...]

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Making A Bobe Of Yourself

(My wife and I are in bed, using her laptop to write thank-you cards for our recent wedding.)Wife: “I have to use the bathroom. And after that I’m going to…[...]

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Love Is Love… Idiot

(My uncle is a self-proclaimed redneck and always has been. We lost contact with each other but finally got each other’s phone numbers again and are speaking for the first…[...]

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Behaving Like A Child

(I am 18 years old and have recently started going out with a guy I met at my college. While we are getting to know each other, I find out…[...]

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Puns That Make You Weak

(My husband and I are at my parents’ for dinner tonight and came early to help set up. Mom had eye surgery last week so we’re not letting her do…[...]

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Your Mission Is To Be Quiet

(My boyfriend and I are sitting in the living room, waiting for the bedroom to cool down so that we can go to sleep, since our summers can get pretty…[...]

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When An Ex Cancels Out Another Ex

(Five years ago, the ex-girlfriend of a former roommate married my ex-boyfriend. That was one year after I had broken up with him. I didn’t attend their wedding, but we…[...]

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The Single Biggest Surprise

(For years, I used to be single and in the end I started to get really unhappy about that. Since it really became a big issue, lots of friends and…[...]

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Some Jokes Never Die

(I’m working as a cashier at a grocery store and ringing up a male customer. After greeting him, I ask him if he needs any bags.)Customer: “No, mine divorced me…[...]

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Your Mission Is To Be Quiet

(My boyfriend and I are sitting in the living room, waiting for the bedroom to cool down so that we can go to sleep, since our summers can get pretty…[...]

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Not Anal About Phrasing

(I was chatting with a coworker, and she mentioned another coworker of ours has a crush on her.)Coworker #1: “Nothing against [Coworker #2] as a person, but I could never…[...]

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Trying To Date Sheldon Cooper

(It’s early in the evening and there’s only one guest, a woman in her early twenties, but soon a guy around the same age comes in and takes a place…[...]

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This Relationship Is A Train-Wreck

I am teaching English in the Czech Republic with my boyfriend. After talking me into moving overseas he is hating living there and I am loving it. We are invited…[...]

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It’s A Normal Human Condition(er)

(It’s tough to get any adult privacy in our household with small children. My husband and I finally get some intimate shared shower time, including using some conditioner for lubricant,…[...]

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Use Cerebro To Make It So

(My husband and I are watching one of the X-men movies.)Me: “No, Captain Picard! That’s a terrible idea; why would you do that?”Husband: “You do know that’s Professor X right?”Me:…[...]

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My Friend Is Such A Boob

(My fiancé and I are cuddling in bed. It is important to note that while he and I have a faithful, monogamous relationship, I frequently cuddle with my best friend…[...]

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You’re Fully Serviced

(I’m over at my boyfriend’s house, and he’s put a couple mugs of water in the microwave to make tea, and then forgotten about them. It’s worth noting that I…[...]

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Creep Spill In Aisle Fourteen

(This is before cell phones are common. My mom and I stop at a clothes store after she picks me up from school. Since I haven’t had a chance to…[...]

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Add An Order Of Tea/No Tea

(My husband and I often visit a nearby convenience store that opened recently. Aside from being a gas station primarily, it also has a deli/food area with touch screens for…[...]

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Bambi’s New Mommy

(My boyfriend and I are messaging each other about deer. I send him a picture of a deer that was in my yard and he replies back with many pictures…[...]

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A New Definition Of Puppy Love

My boyfriend has a untrained dog who, embarrassingly, jumps on people any chance he can get, and humps legs. One day my boyfriend came home from walking him, while I…[...]

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About To Swear Like A Sailor

(I live in a college city with a harbor. Sometimes Navy vessels dock, and sailors get leave to come ashore for a while. I am in a college bar [a…[...]

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Should Think Before You Ink

(I have quite large, visible tattoos, and customers often compliment me on them and have a bit of a chat. This one takes the cake, though!)Customer: “[My Name]… Is that…[...]

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Not Worth Moan(a)ing About

(My boyfriend and I are hanging around the toy section of a supermarket. There is a stuffed Hei Hei [the derpy chicken from “Moana”] that makes noise when you press…[...]

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Three Different Types Of Monster

(My husband works nights, and is often extremely tired during the day, but he sleeps very erratically, so it’s hard to plan his eating schedule. I try to help him.…[...]

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Sizing Up To Be A Nice House

(After years of scrimping, planning, and renting a tiny room in a small condo to save money, my husband and I are buying a house. We’re still constantly staggered by…[...]

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A Shocking Mother-In-Law

(In my husband’s family, his mother is referred to as “Nana” by our son and his cousins. At the time of this story, I am doing homework for a medical…[...]

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I Don’t Hate Men, Just You

(I’m at the library, minding my own business, when a man old enough to be my father approaches me. He’s not a total stranger; we have seen each other at…[...]

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Not Taking The Quickest Route(r)

(I’m doing some writing on my computer, while my husband is in another room, when he calls over…)Husband: “Hey, can you access the Internet? It’s not working on my phone.”Me:…[...]

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He Likes Them Green

(I am a high school sophomore who is required to log service hours, and I decide to log some at a community center’s fundraiser. I’m a biracial [black and white]…[...]

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Bra-zen Behavior

(My wife is very busty. One day, I am drinking tea, and she comes out of the bedroom with just her bra on.)Wife: “Hey, I got a new bra. I…[...]

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Making A Complete Boob Of Himself, Part 2

(My husband and I are sitting at home on a Sunday afternoon. I haven’t been feeling well.)Me: “Ugh. My boobs are sore.”Husband: “Why?”Me: “I don’t know. They just are; they’re…[...]

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What A Complete Waist

(My boyfriend, his parents, and I are at a Japanese steakhouse, waiting for the chef to finish the food. Somehow we get to the topic of Disney princesses and their…[...]

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Looks Like The Cat’s Out Of The Bag

(Our current apartment is too small to section off “Cat Free Zones” for my husband’s allergies, so [Cat] has been living with my parents until recently. He is only seven…[...]

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My Moon And My Stars

(I’m swapping silly “I love yous” with my significant other:)Me: “Also, I earths you.”Me: “…and moons…”Me: “…and other assorted celestial bodies.”Significant Other: “You moons me?”Me: “Uh… that was maybe poorly…[...]

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Pregnant With Concern

(Recently, my 18-year-old daughter has been going through some health issues, and her boyfriend has been nothing but accommodating and helpful. My daughter tells me about a recent text conversation:)Boyfriend:…[...]

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Doesn’t Have That Friday Feeling

(It’s Friday, a workday in the USA. I make my wife and myself breakfast every day, typically eggs and toast.)Me: “I have to go, I’m late.”Wife: “Late for what?”Me: “I…[...]

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Life Beat You To It

(My dad has decided he is going to invent a board game, so there are papers with ideas lying around the place. Mum has decided to clean up.)Dad: “Don’t throw…[...]

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The Hero Of My Dreams

(My wife usually wakes up after I have already left for work. This morning I get a text from her.)Wife: “You were mean to me last night. First you kept…[...]

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The Definition Is Fluid

(I have made some new friends, and I am discussing them with my boyfriend.)Me: “…and then there’s [Friend’s Name], but they usually go by [Gender-Neutral Name].”Boyfriend: “Because she’s a tomboy?”Me:…[...]

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Your Hidden Agendas

(My husband and I are coming close to our first wedding anniversary when we move to a new apartment. Apparently, worried that I will discover his card, my husband hides…[...]

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Managed To Turn It All Around

(My boyfriend is working in the study as I’m coming out of the bathroom. I enter the study, completely naked, and stand behind him.)Me: “Hi, I’m a distraction.”Boyfriend: “Then I…[...]

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An Explosive Romance

(I write romance novels, and I’m stuck on a particular bit of banter. My husband walks past my office while I’m staring off into space.)Me: “Hey, what do people turn…[...]

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Ice Cream Can Never Fail

(My partner picks me up from university, with their sister in tow. We take their sister to the local pizza place to pick up her takeaway order, and while she’s…[...]

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Underwear Beware

(My boyfriend and I are in bed at night, binge watching a TV series. We live with his father, so walking around the house in a state of undress is a…[...]

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Go Nude Or Go Home

(It’s about four am when I receive a call from my boyfriend, who works third shift. I’m a fairly heavy sleeper, and it takes a while for me to wake…[...]

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Must Be Working The Midnight Shift

(I tend to dress rather casually at work and, on this day, I’ve worn a bright orange T-shirt with my usual jeans. When I get home after work:)Me: “You know,…[...]

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A Marriage That Hookers You In

(My husband and I work near each other and carpool to work. He is dropping me off at my office.)Me: “I really don’t feel like doing [work task] today.”Husband: *in…[...]

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A Man’s Duty Is Not About Booty

(I’m 17 and my friend has suckered me into working at my first job selling alarm systems door-to-door. They drop us off at random locations that we’re expected to canvas…[...]

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Putting Those Texts Into Context

(My partner’s brother got married about two months ago.)Partner: “His texts all have an undertone of happy to them! He’s clearly still in the newlywed phase!”Me: *because I’m a terrible…[...]

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My Partner Is Not So Smart (Phone)

(I have just gotten a new cellphone, and am entering numbers into it.)Girlfriend: “You should put your number in there, in case you lose it!”Me: “Good idea!” *I start to…[...]

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My Husband The T-Rex

Me: *making toast in the kitchen* “What are you looking for?”Husband: “Paper towel.”Me: *hands it to him; it is right next to his hand* “Wow, that really was a man-look.”Husband:…[...]

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Leaving This Argument Behind

(We don’t argue very often but when we do, my husband usually makes a comment that I should just pack up and leave. It’s never him doing the leaving; it’s…[...]

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That Was Rebound To Happen

(My fiancé and I have this silly thing where one of us will say something like, “There’s a cupcake,” and the other will say, “You’re a cupcake.” One day this…[...]

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Do Not Make Contact With Your Girlfriend

(I am waiting for my boyfriend at a restaurant and this happens:)Stranger With Glasses: *walks up to me* “Hey, beautiful.”(The stranger kisses me before I can react. I freak out…[...]

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A Truly Capital Relationship

(I have recently taken a job as a merchandiser. I have had a rough day, so after work I seek validation from my wife. She’s an anarchist, so I know…[...]

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A Very Touching Disaster

(My boyfriend and I are in bed, getting ready to go to sleep. He has an old down pillow that he sleeps with. He grabs the pillow from behind his…[...]

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Wazoo Cramps

(My wife has a love-hate relationship with ibuprofen: it makes her drowsy, but it’s also the only thing that soothes her menstrual cramps.)Wife: “Ooh… cramps just kicked in. Ibuprofen up…[...]

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He Can Go Sleep In The Garage

(Our two-car garage is a mess. My husband insists I have to help tidy it.)Husband: “We’ll take sides; you do that side and I’ll do this side. Most of the…[...]

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She Eats People Like You For Breakfast

(My friend is working the drive-thru. After the customer gives his order and pulls to the window, this lovely exchange happens:)Customer: “You know, a guy like me likes to see…[...]

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Chips Trump Love

(My fiancé and I are eating Mexican takeout at home. He holds out his hand, and I take it.)Fiancé: “No, I wanted chips, not your hand.”[...]

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And You’re Mean To Boot

(My husband and I are getting ready for the day when following conversation happens.)Me: “I told someone on the internet that they are wrong. Someone attacked my personality and I…[...]

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Not Really Feline This Relationship

Partner: *from the next room* “You know I love you!”Me: *touched at this sweet, out-of-the-blue comment* “Thanks, Sweetie. I love you, too.”Partner: *pauses* “I was talking to the cat.”[...]

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Sympathy Is Number One

(Flu season is really bad this year, and despite vaccination, I catch a nasty case. I’m really bad at being sick, and my husband and I argue about how much…[...]

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