Mews-ical Misunderstanding
My wife and I live near a city called Anderson. We frequently drive there for groceries, the hardware store, etc.A few days ago, we were driving through town and passed…[...]
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Best To Let Falling Snow Lie
My girlfriend and I live far enough north in Canada that we get a white Christmas most years. This year, Christmas Day had a snowstorm heavy enough that we both…[...]
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Pajamas + Panic = Professionalism
I woke up around 2 AM, sweating and panting. My husband grabbed the baseball bat beside the bed and stood by the door.Husband: “What? What?”Me: “I – I – oh…[...]
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Ignorance Stands, Wisdom Sits
I was in my home office working when I suddenly heard my husband yelling in the bathroom.Husband: “Son of a b***! D***ed cat!”Me: “What’s wrong?”My husband comes out holding our…[...]
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You Need A Boyfriend Who Can Go With The Flow
I was in bed with the flu and a kidney infection, and then I got my period. The cherry on top of a really s***ty cake. Due to my being…[...]
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The Missed Steak Was A Mistake
My girlfriend and I have only been going out for about two months when my birthday rolls around. I don’t have any family left in the area, thus my tradition…[...]
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How To T-Win The Argument
When I was in college, I dated one of two identical twins. A lot of people gave me s*** about it.Friend: “Do you have threesomes?”Me: “No! That’s incest, eww!”Friend: “Well,…[...]
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It’s My Way Or The Fae Way
My wife sent me to the store for ground sausage, and I came back with sausages, leading to this conversation.Me: “I’m sorry. I should have realized you meant ground sausage…[...]
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Do You Think That Counts As An OSHA Violation?
To preface this story, our house used to be the mansion of the mayor back during the colonial era.Frankly, it’s a kinda s*** house: It’s poorly insulated, and there are…[...]
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What Musical Are You Watching? Oh, All Of Them.
Some gay friends invite us over to watch a movie, and we end up picking a film called ‘The Big Gay Musical.’ One of the husbands is Chinese-American and is…[...]
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This Song Has Bean Around Too Long
I’m singing Old MacDonald which is a nursery rhyme with farm animals and their sounds. My husband is joining the kids and me for the first time, and I pause…[...]
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Not A Very Bright Idea
My husband and I are in bed, and we’ve both finished reading our respective books.Me: “Will you turn out the light?”Husband: *Clap Clap.*Me: *Laughing.* “We don’t have a clapper. You’ll…[...]
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J Is For… Just Go to Sleep
My husband and I are lying in bed, fiddling on our phones, getting our alarms set, etc. He just downloaded the Steam app and needed to put in a verification…[...]
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Good Luck Baby-Proofing THAT
My father-in-law lives on a farm out in the Brazilian countryside. I didn’t grow up in the country and have always been careful around any creepy crawlies in case they…[...]
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Causing Some Brain Fog
It has snowed overnight. My husband has just looked out the window.Husband: “It’s still snowing. The cars and plows are moving slowly, so it must be slick.”Me: *After a minute.*…[...]
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The Birthday Gift That Kept On Giving
My friends and I usually hold our birthday parties at a bar we all enjoy. At the time of this story, [Friend #1] has recently moved in with his girlfriend…[...]
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Y’know, He’s Got A Point…
My husband is just about to start a new job abroad, coming home for one week every month. We’ve had to put moving house on hold, and I’ve had to…[...]
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The Dog Is Leashed, The Digs Are Not
I take our puppy out for walks really early every morning.Wife: *Very serious.* “You need to be careful out there. It’s coyote mating season, and they’re roaming around.”Me: *Not as…[...]
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Retail Environments Are Always Horror Movies
I was asleep, dreaming about something relatively inconsequential; wandering a supermarket, I think. However, partway through, creepy music started playing, reminiscent of a horror game, and my dream started to turn…[...]
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Re-Volting Wait
I’m working at a petrol station. We’re one of the few in the area that has EV charging stations (there are loads now, but at the time of the story,…[...]
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Now Entering Manual Respiration Mode
I work as a software tester. Also, I sometimes subconsciously hold my breath for no reason.Wife: “You’re forgetting to breathe again…”Me: *Pretending to pout.* “I don’t want to.”Wife: “I know,…[...]
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Crush And Burn
Back in high school, a classmate and very close friend of mine had a big crush on a girl we often met on our way to the bus stop. We…[...]
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That Tingling Does Not Come From A Spidey Sense
My fiancé and I don’t really like large groups of people. We both work in retail, and by the time we get home, we are peopled out and need a…[...]
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Not The Sundae Best Choice of Words
I was once at one of those Hibachi restaurants, and at this one they give you free ice cream on your birthday. I didn’t want mine, so I gave it…[...]
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I Arthur C. What You Did There, Isaac!
My wife and I are being sappy:Me: “You know, while I don’t really believe in soulmates, I’ve been thinking: With apologies to Asimov, any sufficiently compatible partners are indistinguishable from…[...]
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Dating The Couponator
My (now ex) boyfriend and I pull into a drive-thru to grab some lunch. He places my order at the speaker and then orders his own food.Boyfriend: “Oh, I have…[...]
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The Owner Is Wok And Roll
As a poor college student in the early 2000s, I regularly ordered from a local Chinese restaurant and stretched the food over several days. It got to the point where…[...]
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Illuminating The Candy Aisle
My partner and I are both neurodivergent: autistic, ADHD, dyspraxia, dyslexia, auditory processing disorder, etc. As a result, we don’t always hear, process, or remember spoken language correctly.At the grocery…[...]
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Your Ex Is Trash
Fake name used.My apartment complex has a service where Sun-Thurs, we just have to set out our trash in a special trash can, and someone will pick it up between…[...]
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Cord Help Us
We have a small dog who loves to get behind furniture and hide. I don’t know why, but she has no perception when it comes to electrical cords. One frequent…[...]
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The Whimpering Night Shift
My name is Ralph or maybe Ruff, I'm still not sure. I'm 7 years old, which in human years is 35. My master, Freddie, pretects me and I protect him. See, we're cops. There…[...]
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The Big Race
The iditarod would be in two months and Finn was forty pounds underweight and considered too small for the competition. Finn, a half chihuahua, half corgi, was not the usual candidate…[...]
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New Year’s Resolution
It’s January 3rd. I sat down, since I was told to, and started rethinking my New Year’s Resolutions. I went through them one by one and considered whether or not I’d really…[...]
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Puppy’s First Trick-Or-Treat
It’s October 31st and I think if I take him trick-or-treating, it might help. Unless the fire’ll go with him. But, it’s October 31st, so we’ll give it a shot. I hope we…[...]
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Puppy and Hell’s Fire
We go back home and I throw away the brownies and pray the police don’t find them. The fire’s still blazing in the front yard, like the menorah in Israel. The fire…[...]
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The Market
They have me strapped in, but this car is weird. Imagine a car where my back is parallel to the ground, but I’ve seen and been through lots of stuff and…[...]
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Dog Scents
Normally, when we take out the food, he’s happy and wagging his tail. He stares at the screen blankly, like a deer after it’s been shot by a hunter, but still…[...]
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The Whimpering Night Shift
My name is Ralph or maybe Ruff, I'm still not sure. I'm 7 years old, which in human years is 35. My master, Freddie, pretects me and I protect him. See, we're cops. There…[...]
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We Have Plenty of Time
We have plenty of time and were chosen for the job, not hired. We weren't even given names by our mamas. My name be Speciman 1 and my girlfriend's name is Speciman…[...]
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Being Human
We don't talk about it and he prefers we don't use the term, Freak, which I wouldn't use anyway. See, in the land of Sycophancy, when it rains a few things…[...]
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My Worst Nightmare
This is my worst nightmare. I'm trapped in a semi-independent living facility. I am not allowed to go off campus because they want to make sure I'm safe. But, in one of the…[...]
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Leave Me Alone
All I want is P & Q, P & Q: Peace and Quiet. My wife is out of town, the kids are at camp, my phone is turned off, the candles are…[...]
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Joey’s Wish
I did it; (I can see through his eyes.) I did it. But, I feel like the character from the movie Being John Malkovich, before he got control of John Malkovich, since…[...]
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The Dog and the Bag
He went potty outside. I’ll be gone for six hours, so it’s good he went potty outside. J.C. (Jack Charlie) was a good boy, so I gave him some treats: Beggin’…[...]
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In Dog We Trust
Write about a character pretending to be someone they're not. So, before the drama started, I decided to take J.C. to a psychic/medium bookstore/shop. There, the cashier recommended J.C. get a…[...]
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The Big Race
The iditarod would be in two months and Finn was forty pounds underweight and considered too small for the competition. Finn, a half chihuahua, half corgi, was not the usual candidate…[...]
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New Year’s Resolution
It’s January 3rd. I sat down, since I was told to, and started rethinking my New Year’s Resolutions. I went through them one by one and considered whether or not I’d really…[...]
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Bushington’s Big Proposal
I snuck out last night. Everyone was sleeping, so I snuck out, but I didn’t go outside, I went to Roseta’s desktop on the first floor. I would’ve gone to her laptop,…[...]
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Bushington’s Vet
Well, I call up the vet and they say they can only reverse that kind of surgery in humans and not in dogs. Dang it! So, I decide to start calling up…[...]
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Bye Bye Bushington
It’s been a few years and Bushington has mellowed out. He gave up his PDA and stopped trying to run away. That is after all the headaches he caused which aren’t even…[...]
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Hound Alone
My masters turned the air conditioning off to cut down on the electricity bill. I don’t know what that means, but I feel like a live lobster in a pot of…[...]
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Ralphy In The Rough
It’s spring and my new master is Insane (that’s his name) and insane (his mental state). My name is Ralphy and I am a pure bred, grade A, male, unneutered…[...]
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My Little Secret
I found my PDA, it was in the attic in a chest without a lock. So, I plugged it in and waited. When the bar got past 80 percent, I logged in…[...]
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Bushington’s Addiction
I took out my PDA (My family doesn’t know where I am) and type, “My name is Bushington and I’m an alcoholic”. I’ve never drank alcohol, but I’m here, so why…[...]
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In Memorial, Bushington
We don’t know whether or not he’s dead, but we all miss Bushington, so we, after a family meeting in the basement, decide to have a memorial service in the…[...]
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My Alienable Rights
They’re gone. I can’t believe it. They’re gone. My rights. My rights guaranteed in the Constitution of the United States of America are gone. All of them gone with three signatures; one of them mine;…[...]
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A Weird Car
We leave home, my master and me, but I don’t know where we’re going. I never know, but I’m glad I’m going. I’ve been begging to go. I tried sneaking into the suitcase,…[...]
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Clarissa’s Blanket
She was here, but where is she? This is Bobo and I’m not a clown. Everyone sweats, pees, poops: it’s normal, but I haven’t seen Clarissa in weeks. See, usually when our family goes…[...]
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Bushington’s Box
He’s dead, we think. Maybe, but dogs are burrowing creatures and Bushington was or maybe is a rascal and we keep finding things. Now, if he was a normal dog, we might…[...]
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Pyromaniac Puppy
By the time I stepped outside, the leaves were on fire. Bad dog. I go to the side of the house, I unring the hose, screw it in the faucet, and point…[...]
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The Mad Mob
We got up the next morning and the fucking fire is still there and the maniacs are starting to herd. Great. So, I try to think of where to hide this stupid…[...]
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The Big Race
The iditarod would be in two months and Finn was forty pounds underweight and considered too small for the competition. Finn, a half chihuahua, half corgi, was not the usual candidate…[...]
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New Year’s Resolution
It’s January 3rd. I sat down, since I was told to, and started rethinking my New Year’s Resolutions. I went through them one by one and considered whether or not I’d really…[...]
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Dog Damn It
Wait, where am I and why is everything so big? I'm in a big box with chihuahua puppies, but all the chihuahua puppies are the same size as me, which doesn't…[...]
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Useless Junk
“This storage unit is full of useless junk. Throw it away.” But he wouldn't. I keep telling him this stuff is worthless. Nobody'll ever care about it, ever. It belongs in the dumpster. All of…[...]
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Fucking Fantasies
“Swings and roundabouts. That's what this place has with $100.00 entrance fee. You want an individual instead of a couple, it's more. You in or out?” I looked at my wife: a fifty-three year…[...]
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Homosexuals in the 90’s
We're in the parking lot as I take a puff and then she takes a puff of a cigarette, but not a regular cigarette. We both laugh because it makes…[...]
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Fuckedville
The rents due in two weeks, I'm a month behind on my credit card and they've raised the interest rates, inflations up, can't get a raise from my boss and…[...]
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Decrescendo
I went into the tent and took off my Nike shoes. White socks. Levi Jeans, polo shirt, and underwear and put on my loin cloth. Sounds ridiculous, I know, but they…[...]
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Porn and Prostitution
We looked at the keptchup bottle as she shook it and we both had the same dirty thought. We're men, we can't help it. See, my sister's a journalist, my brother's a…[...]
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Disability
Wow, this is my first time. Wonder if it'll be weird like the first time you kiss a girl or the first time you fuck a girl. Wonder if it'll be like that,…[...]
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Mu Shi Human
Coming up with a gift idea was the easy part – getting your hands on it is another thing entirely. He likes strange things. He always liked strange things. But there are two…[...]
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breath taking
I enter the building, books on every shelf and shiver. I'm sixteen and could get in trouble, but it is for “educational purposes,” but not for school. I go up to the…[...]
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The Man in the Cowboy Boots
He's right in front of you, you idiot. What do you mean there's nobody there? Of course there's somebody there. He's wearing a beige top hat, a blue and red checkered shirt, khaki…[...]
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“What you want”
Nobody wants to be me. Man, nobody. Welcome to NYC. Got a job here but got canned. Been trying to get another job, but can't; There are no other jobs on the market. So, tomorrow…[...]
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Something That Could Read my Mind
You know? It's that thing on the wall with the different switches for the house. One turns off the electricity in the kitchen, one turns off the electricity in the bathroom, and…[...]
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The Big Race
The iditarod would be in two months and Finn was forty pounds underweight and considered too small for the competition. Finn, a half chihuahua, half corgi, was not the usual candidate…[...]
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New Year’s Resolution
It’s January 3rd. I sat down, since I was told to, and started rethinking my New Year’s Resolutions. I went through them one by one and considered whether or not I’d really…[...]
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Rocket Science
It's hardly brain surgery. Give the suitcase to the woman behind the counter. Make sure before you leave your home, the suitcase weighs under fifty pounds. Take a carry-on, a personal item, your…[...]
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