Artfully Setting Himself Up For Failure
(I work in an art supply shop. We sell canvas, paints, and the like. Because we are right next to a really prominent art college, we get lots of customers…[...]
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She’ll Get A Hold On You; Believe It
(I go to see Phil Collins’ “Still Not Dead Yet” show in mid-July and have a blast with my wife. Two days later, I’m in a restaurant kitchen unloading their…[...]
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I Don’t Love You, Man
(I meet this guy who is my customer at work. He seems normal, and we exchange numbers and agree to go on a date to the movies. We agree to…[...]
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I Don’t Drink Your Milkshake
(Shortly after my girlfriend and I start dating, I start making us fruit smoothies as healthy treats, but my girlfriend never likes what I make her and usually only drinks…[...]
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Your Boobs Are Practically Volcanic Today
(My wife is nine months pregnant and is trying on new nursing bras in the bedroom. I’m sitting by the door, but in the living room.)Wife: “Our bedroom smells like…[...]
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“Wade” Into Her Zone But You “Peter”-ed Out
(I’m browsing the men’s clothing section of the store. There is one other customer in that section and he decides to approach me.)Customer: “I like your T-shirt.”Me: *glances up* “Oh?…[...]
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Lose The Date, Take Home A Plate
(I go on a date with a guy I met on a dating app. Things have been great leading up to the date. We talk on the phone every night,…[...]
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Sushi And Ice Cream And Money, Oh My
I was texting with a guy I met on a dating app for a little over a week before we agreed to meet for an official date. Things had been…[...]
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Bright Green With Envy
When I first started dating my boyfriend, he had a female friend that obviously had feelings for him. My boyfriend is on the spectrum, and I can honestly say that…[...]
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In A State Of Entitlement
(I like to post memes on my “stories” — a social media picture post that only lasts 24 hours. One such recent post references figuring out why my head hurts…[...]
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Heavy Metal Saves The Day
(I’m a sixteen-year-old female and taking summer school to get ahead in my classes. Since the school buses don’t run during the summer here and I don’t have a car…[...]
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Eduardo On The Other Eye Is Still Safe
(My boyfriend and I are laying in bed discussing the day, and I notice something. I’m a little sleepy and giggly.)Me: “You’ve got a long hair in your ear!”Boyfriend: “I’m…[...]
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From Myspace To Sharing Space
Years ago, my best friend, who is male, met a really cool girl who liked all the same music that he did. There was never anything there romantically, but they…[...]
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Can You Smell The Love Tonight, Part 20
My husband is incredibly polite and a bit insecure and embarrassed about his body, so every time he has to fart around me it is followed by a minute or…[...]
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It’s Becoming A More Popular “Lifestyle Choice”
(I’m helping a customer fill out a form and we’ve gotten to the optional “equal opportunities” section.)Me: “May I ask your sexual orientation? Again, this question is not compulsory; you…[...]
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She’s Going To Have Kittens If You Don’t Tell Her
(I volunteer at an animal shelter. We have a man who has driven for an hour and a half to adopt a cat for his wife’s birthday as a surprise.…[...]
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Recycle His Mind
(My husband and I are doing some cleaning over the weekend when this happens.)Husband: “Oh, and I threw out that one aluminum can earlier.”Me: *curious* “Why would you do that?…[...]
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Small Plates With Small Expectations
(I go on a date with a guy who seems really sweet. He asks me out to dinner at a restaurant right up the road from me that I have…[...]
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Missing Cable Makes Marriage Unstable
(I have just arrived home for the holidays. Unfortunately, I have to turn in — i.e. upload to our e-learning platform — important homework for university on December 26th. I…[...]
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We All Know Who Is Bringing Home The Bacon In This Relationship
(I have brought home some sort of artisan smoked bacon gouda. My boyfriend reads the package and sneers disdainfully.)Boyfriend: “This bacon-everything craze is overrated. It’s probably gross.”Me: “Yeah, but it…[...]
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Only Thing He Should Be Following Is Her Hints
(I’m a student attending a community college that is not too far from my home. For this, I drive to and from my house easily, through plenty of turns and…[...]
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Falling Into Place
(My grandparents are riding their bicycles and the path goes over a stream. My grandma’s front wheel catches on a rut and she goes over the handlebars. She ends up…[...]
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Dad Jokes Are Even Less Funny When Played On The Wife
Wife: *in the bathroom* “Could you bring me the TP?”(I bring her the little teepee she made for our daughter as a fort.)Wife: *does not laugh*[...]
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Behind Every Successful Man, Is A Woman With A Password
(I work at a bank call center. The accounts have security phrases that the customers need to confirm when they call so they can get assistance. I receive a call…[...]
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In A Thrush To Dump You
My boyfriend and I had been dating for almost six months and it had been going great until one day when I started to feel a little itchy “down there.”…[...]
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Won’t Be Branching Down This Tree
(I am on a first date with a guy I met online. He works for a tree removal business. I teach high school biology. We are both pretty nervous but…[...]
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A Touch Too Much Inappropriate Behavior
(I work as the office manager of an upscale spa. We’ve hired a male massage therapist who is fresh out of school. He’s a sweet guy, good at his job,…[...]
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Grunts, Love, And Coffee
(It’s 1997. I’m 20 years old and have recently moved back to my home city after a horrible breakup. I take a job selling electronics at a local mall retailer.…[...]
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These Days You Have To Fight Packs Of Wild Dogs To Find Your True Love
(I am having lunch with a colleague and we’ve been talking about our plans for the weekend. I mentioned someone is cooking dinner for me, and my colleague has guessed…[...]
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Maybe It Was A Unicorn Frap
(My partner is the only one who drinks coffee, and she only drinks one cup. To avoid waste, we pour the excess into an ice tray and freeze it. She’ll…[...]
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Love And Sarcasm: Together They Can Beat Anything
(My husband gets a new coworker who was supposed to be of higher qualification, but this guy is consistently behind and incomplete on his work, so my husband has to…[...]
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Sometimes Loved Ones Can Talk Real Crap
(My boyfriend has to have emergency surgery to remove an abscess in his a**. As he recently moved here he doesn’t have a place of his own and is staying…[...]
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Wake Me Up When “September” Ends
Me: *to my husband* “You realize this was already playing on oldies stations when they were babies, right?”Husband: *sigh of oldness*(The senior band starts playing Henry Mancini’s “Pink Panther Theme,”…[...]
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The Oldies Top Forty
(My partner and I are both Generation X. We’re in the car listening to the radio.)DJ: ”…and tune in this weekend when we play all the songs from the 80s…[...]
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An Unwelcome Shift
(We have a list of phone numbers at work so that we can contact each other to find coverage if we need to call off. The list is locked in…[...]
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Talk Like That Again And You’ll Have Cows To Pay
(My husband and I like to rib each other. Most of our friends and family understand that we do this, even if they don’t understand why. One evening, my husband’s…[...]
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Al Simmons Is Having Babies
(My wife has just gotten a letter; I ask her what it is.)Wife: “An invite to my cousin’s… What’s that called? Spawning party?”Me: “Baby shower?”Wife: “Yes!”[...]
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Two Egg Rolls, Some Chow Mein, And A Cheating Husband
(I work at a food delivery company. I receive this call.)Customer: “Hello, I would like to place an order. My number is [number].”Me: “Right, that will be at [address]; is…[...]
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A True Horror Picture Show
(My boyfriend and I go to a midnight movie showing around Halloween. Though this movie is very popular around that time of year, it wasn’t part of my upbringing. I…[...]
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An Iron-Giant-Sized Flaw In Your Logic
(My girlfriend and I have a nine-year age difference. At the time of this story, I am 33 and she is 24. As such, she mainly grew up in the…[...]
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They Made It There In Less Than Twelve Parsecs
(My husband and I are the couple from “.” We’re flying from New York to Washington State for an Alaskan cruise. He’s a very nervous flyer, and this is a…[...]
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Love On Autopilot
(I work at the cafe at the university my boyfriend and I attend. One evening, we schedule to meet up and he arrives at the cafe about 30 minutes before…[...]
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Grandpa Was A Playa!
(When my grandfather was in high school, he and one of his friends made a bet to see who could take more girls on dates in one month. They both…[...]
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Don’t Want To Be Caught In THAT Sharknado
(I’ve had a large stuffed shark from a popular furniture store for a few years and it works great as a body pillow. My boyfriend and I sleep separately due…[...]
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She’s Running Laps Around You
(As everyone knows, when a man brings a sweatshirt to an outdoor event, it becomes the property of his girlfriend. My boyfriend and I have season tickets to a local…[...]
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Being Married Has A Nice Ring(Tone) To It
I am working as a cashier in a pet store, ringing up a frequent customer, when his mobile rings. The ring tone is a clip from Blue Oyster Cult’s “Don’t…[...]
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Cheating On The Survey
(I have been filling out a survey with this customer over the telephone, with a little small talk in between questions.)Customer: “You sound very attractive. Where do you live?”Me: *gives…[...]
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A Healthy Marriage
([Doctor #1] and [Doctor #2] are married. [Doctor #1] is a neurosurgeon and [Doctor #2] works in the NICU. They’ve made a cake for a coworker’s birthday.)Doctor #2: “Can we…[...]
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Their Milkshake Brings Everyone To The Yard, And They’re Like, Ignoring The Signs…
(My husband and I visit a popular fast food chain for some unhealthy snacks on our way home. On the way in, I giggle to myself as soon as I…[...]
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Savings In Disguise
(I’m studying to get my certification to sell insurance. A friend sends me a joke and I read it aloud to my boyfriend.)Me: “Would a Transformer get car insurance or…[...]
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My Girlfriend Is Not Always Right
(My girlfriend and I go to the store to buy food for the week. She works retail and I work in food. As we arrive at the store, we talk…[...]
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Giving Them Cone Head
About twice a year, I go through a fast food drive-thru for an ice cream cone. It never fails that some random male driver will get a bit excited watching me…[...]
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The Hangover Doesn’t Taste So Suite
Me: “Guest services, how can I help you?”Caller: “You can help me by telling me what this $500 is on my d*** bill!”(After looking up his bill, I see that…[...]
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Take Your Mansplaining And Shove It Down The Toilet
(My husband has been disabled the past two years and now sits down to use the toilet. He is also on day two of quitting smoking, so he still goes…[...]
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Indie Games Really Do Push The Limits These Days
(My husband and I are scrolling through the free games on our Xbox to see if there’s anything interesting enough to play. We settle on one and decide we’ll play…[...]
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These Nuts Are Rated R
Me: *struggling to open a pistachio shell* “Just give me the nut!”Girlfriend: *not missing a beat* “Maybe you should say ‘please.'”[...]
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Um… What?!
(My partner sometimes talks in his sleep. He just looks at me, utters a few nonsensical things, and goes right back to deep sleep.)Partner: *mumbling* “I’m sorry! I enabled them.”Me:…[...]
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Mansplainception
(I am spending a chill Sunday afternoon at home, with my wife, browsing online. My wife is reading a listicle on social media about the worst examples of mansplaining. She…[...]
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His Excuse Of “She Was Wearing Makeup” Doesn’t Dance With Us
(In my teens, I used to dance competitively. If you’ve ever been to a dance competition, you know that even the young kids have to wear a LOT of stage…[...]
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Hit The Motherlode
(I’m in my apartment with my girlfriend playing a medieval MMO. She’s on her laptop out in the kitchen, while I’m in my office on my desktop. We’re hanging out…[...]
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Marriage Can Be Hard
(I’m in the process of scraping paint off the door frame in the kitchen. Much of it has come off fairly easily, but there are about twelve inches of space…[...]
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It’s Better Than Pooty Pie
(I just started dating a woman who still lives with her family. The first time I come over to her house, I notice my phone number pinned to her bedroom…[...]
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The Indecent Proposal Before Christmas
(I’m an employee at a popular Halloween and costume store. With Halloween around the corner, it’s getting busier. Lines at the register are long; there’s even a line at our…[...]
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Meet My Friend, Gaston!
(In my early 20s, my best friend decides I should date her boyfriend’s roommate. We have seen each other at group gatherings, or whenever I go see my best friend…[...]
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Downward Facing Crane
(My husband and I are walking our dog one morning on the sea wall. The tide is in, but several large rocks protrude above the water. A heron is perched…[...]
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Cheek-Slappingly Funny
(My husband, my brother, and I are about two-thirds of our way into a ten-mile hike. Things have not been going according to plan; for one, my husband is hobbling…[...]
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You Laced It With Laziness
(I’m folding laundry.)Me: “Hey, this would make a great Halloween bra!”Girlfriend: “Huh? Because it’s black?”Me: “Well, yeah, but it’s also got this cool spiderweb design.” *gestures to the sides of…[...]
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Dough Not Engage!
(I work in a chain bakery within a shopping centre. We are across from a supermarket and throughout the day a sales associate goes on “tastings,” essentially just standing in…[...]
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They Vow To Keep Consistent
(I work front desk at a downtown hotel in one of the larger college towns in the American Midwest. Our little 147-room property has seen it all: managers getting fired,…[...]
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Wanted To Give The Date Some Pez-zaz
(This guy and I have been flirting back and forth for a bit and we decide to go see a play. This story takes place in the middle of the…[...]
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Want To Solve This Math Problem? In Your Dreams!
(My husband is in grad school and taking three difficult math courses this semester. He falls asleep studying in bed and I find him there when I come to bed…[...]
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The Opposite Of Happy Hour
I am serving a table of two women for a few hours. They’re having a great time and getting pretty drunk. Nothing unusual, as I work at an Irish pub. Eventually,…[...]
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Mom Is Going To Explode Before Neo-Tokyo
(As a fifteen-year-old, I love anime and frequently watch it with friends. This being the nineties, that means videotapes, usually from a mail-order or That One Weird Video Store. One…[...]
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Being Poker-Faced About Your Feelings
(I work as a barber. I’m a young woman and I like to talk to my customers as I cut their hair. I have been friends with one who is…[...]
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Morning-After Pizza Is The Best
(Unbeknownst to me, when my husband grabs lunch for our kids at a warehouse membership store, one of them doesn’t finish her pizza. He puts it in the fridge thinking…[...]
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Aye, There’s The Stub
This awkward story was told to me by my grandfather.Back when he was still working, a coworker of his unexpectedly died. Eventually, the widow came in to collect his belongings.…[...]
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Mom Had Reservations; The Groom Did Not
(I am the front desk manager at a hotel and we frequently have people calling to reserve blocks of rooms for large events such as hockey tournaments or weddings. In…[...]
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Dogs Reveal All Truths
(This story was told to me by a friend of mine who works as a technician in a vet clinic. I asked her to tell me about some of the…[...]
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My Face Is Up Here, And My Age Is Way Down There
(I’m sixteen, Catholic, and a virgin. I feel a tad uncomfortable talking about romantic matters in a work setting, let alone sexual matters; my face quickly becomes a tomato. Unfortunately,…[...]
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Alarmingly Sweet
(I am a notoriously heavy sleeper, needing multiple cell phone alarms plus a digital alarm clock to help me wake up in the morning. My husband, on the other hand,…[...]
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Washing Your Hands Of This Date
(I’m a waiter at a fancy restaurant.)Customer: “Excuse me, sir, are those ‘must wash hands’ signs only for the employees?”Me: “Yes, sir. By law, we must wash our hands to…[...]
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The Golden Years Need Some Polishing
(I overheard this conversation in my parents’ kitchen. My mother is 86 and my father is 90.)Mother: “I can’t believe I spent $200 at the market. I can remember when…[...]
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Suddenly, It Clicked
(I’m staying at my ex-partner’s house for the weekend early in the new year. Despite the breakup earlier this year, we’re still friends, and I enjoy spending time with them,…[...]
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After This Long, Their Relationship Is Running On Fumes
(My mother is extremely sensitive to noxious gases. She is the proverbial canary in the mine. My father just installed a new gas stove.)Dad: “[Mum], can you come to the…[...]
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Animals Love Fetching Balls
(My husband and I have just come from a local pet store which asks you at the checkout to donate to an animal rescue charity, and I gave a small…[...]
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Maybe You’re Having Twins?
(My husband and I go out to buy ramen and end up bringing home leftovers for later. I’m seven months pregnant — the constant hunger, I swear — and I…[...]
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Your Relationship Has Been Uslurped
(I’m a regular at a coffee shop where I usually stop in after work to grab a drink and relax a little before heading home. Another regular who comes in…[...]
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Engaged To The House
(I am roughly nine years old when this happens. I have stolen several of my mother’s rings and am running around and proposing to any girl I see. My mother…[...]
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Looking At Girls Through Beer Goggles
(When I am seventeen, I decide to try to break out of my shell and go out to a fancy-dress street party organized for Carnival in the harbour of my…[...]
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Spoiler: This Story Does Not Contain A Birthday Breakup
I start dating a guy in high school, and we really hit it off. However, once we graduate, we go to different colleges in two different states. We begin a…[...]
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Oh, He Has A Disorder, All Right!
NOTE FROM EDITORS: The grammar in this story has been kept purposefully incorrect. (Have you ever worked with someone that NOBODY liked? It was a gut feeling we all shared from…[...]
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We Hope He Means Pizza Lover
(I work as a hostess at a local pizza joint in my hometown. It is a really busy night, the house is packed, and I am pretty tired from working…[...]
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The Best Kind Of Kisses
(I’m 20 years old and a shrimp of a guy — about five-foot-six and 120 pounds soaking wet. I’ve gone on two dates with my girlfriend, but we haven’t yet…[...]
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Don’t Be A Chicken About Marriage
(My boyfriend and I have discussed eventually wanting to get married in the future but never put any plans into motion. So, I order a simple ring with a fried…[...]
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I Love You One Day A Year Because Corporate Says So
(My fiance and I go to the same college. We both live on campus, in the same building on separate floors. At the time of this story, we’ve been dating…[...]
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Cake Makes Everything Better
(I am a few months into my first “real” job. My marriage recently ended, and I am feeling very unhappy. Some but not all of my coworkers know that I…[...]
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Time To Stock Up On Pepper Spray
(Early one winter morning, I am walking back to my apartment building after taking my son to his bus stop across the street. As I step into the parking lot,…[...]
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The Nights Are About To Get Quieter… And Colder
Many years ago, I lived on the bottom floor of a shared house, and a married couple lived on the top floor. I was very shy at the time and…[...]
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