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Best Not Get That Gift-Wrapped

(I’m currently seven months pregnant. My due date is estimated to be the same month as my birthday. I’m on Facebook and see some fun things my friend did for…[...]

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.. / -.- -. — .–

(My boyfriend and I are curled up on the couch drinking and watching a movie. He burps a lot when he’s drunk.)Me: “I love you!”(All of a sudden, my boyfriend…[...]

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Photo-Perfect Finish

(My boyfriend has recently won a fairly prestigious contest for a short story he wrote. As a result, the organization running the contest needs a picture of him for publicity…[...]

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Daddy Isn’t Welcome Here

(I’m taking orders at the front end of the food stand, while the owner works the grill next to me, and my coworker — a burly middle-aged man — does…[...]

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Farming Out The Same Old Story

(My wife has had her car for nine years and is very sentimentally attached to it, but it has to go, as its transmission has just failed, and it is…[...]

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We Are NOT Doing It Doggy Style

(Whenever my boyfriend and I decide to get intimate, we usually make sure that our dog is out of the room. My boyfriend wakes me up and we start getting…[...]

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This Relationship Has Gone To The Dogs

(I am spending Christmas Eve with my boyfriend’s family and we are poking fun at each other when we have this little exchange:)Boyfriend: *cuddling his dog* Me: *teasing* “I remember…[...]

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Christmas In The Amazon

(Christmas has already blown through my house. My family has already unwrapped their presents, and my siblings and their children have gone home. My fiancé and I are cuddling in…[...]

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It’s A Date! Wait…

(I go to college out of state, but come home to Houston every year for holidays and summers. My boyfriend attends college where I do, but lives elsewhere. A male…[...]

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The Age Of Adorable

(I am a female teacher. One of my male students has a six-year-old sister who adores him to the point where she won’t allow him past the school gates without…[...]

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Love Is A Game

(I play a survival game online with a group of friends, among them a married couple.  We’re clearing a cave of giant insects. Our strategy revolves around having people grapple…[...]

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Their Golden Years Are Going Swimmingly

(I’m volunteering at a clinic, currently working in administration. I handle calls and schedule appointments. It has been raining throughout the whole month, so there are puddles outside. An elderly…[...]

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No Pizza Is Worth This Much

(I am a 19-year-old female living with my girlfriend. My girlfriend has anxiety and can’t stand it when a man comes near her. Recently, my girlfriend got sick and was…[...]

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The Court Of Love Deems This Dream Guilty

(My boyfriend’s leg is digging into my thigh while he’s sleeping.)Me: “[Boyfriend], move your leg.” *push*Boyfriend: *mumbles while moving* “[Mumbles something] …your girlfriend.”Me: “What?”Boyfriend: *rolls over* “Anything you say will…[...]

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That Decision Will Have A Lot Of Fallout

(My husband is playing “Fallout 4.” He has been agonizing for months over which faction to pick, watching videos and reading reviews, paranoid that he will choose poorly. Finally, he…[...]

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Crazy Hungry Love

(My boyfriend and I are discussing a Facebook post wherein a guy referred to his girlfriend as “Butterscotch.”)Boyfriend: “I promise never to call you ‘Thingamajig.’ Or ‘Butterfinger.’ Or ‘Lollipop.’ Because…[...]

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Dad Jokes Have No Temperature

(I have been sick and haven’t been able to get much sleep. After another night of tossing and turning, I’m feeling delirious.)Me: “I need to take my temperature again.”Husband: “I…[...]

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Lettuce Not

(I am the cashier at a supermarket. Someone unusual has decided to shop here today.)Me: “Hello, ma’am, how are you today?”Customer: “LETTUCE!”Me “Uhh… lettuce?”Customer: “GRAPES!”Me: “Do you want lettuce and…[...]

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Italian Stereotypes Needs A Dressing

(We decide to go try a new Italian restaurant for dinner. We walk in and it’s the most stereotypical “Italian restaurant” decor I’ve ever actually seen in real life. There…[...]

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The Case Of The Two-Dollar Punch

(My partner and I are getting out of bed to start the day. I’ve been a sleep-walker/talker since childhood, though it’s rarer now that I’m older.)Partner: “Do you remember waking…[...]

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Until Undeath Do Us Part, Part 71

(I asked my wife the question. I was raised in the South and went hunting a lot.)Me: “What would you do if I was bitten by a zombie?”Wife: “Logically, I’d…[...]

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The Merry Adventures Of Mr. Plow

(I, a twenty-three year old woman, work third shift at a gas station, alone. It is the first major snowfall of the season and everybody who owns a plow is…[...]

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Keeping Him Rice And Happy

(This is a story from my grandmother. When she marries my grandfather, in the late 1940s, she asks him about all the foods he likes so she can make them…[...]

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Crochet Away

(I come up to the checkout with a few bundles of yarn and a crochet needle.)Cashier: “Ooh, you crochet?”Me: “Not really. My mum made a lot of my clothes as…[...]

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Death Becomes Her, Part 5

(I am checking out a married couple at my till. It is just about sunset.)Me: “Hi, how are you today?”Husband: “Good.” *looks at wife* “She hasn’t killed me yet.”Wife: *chuckling*…[...]

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You’re All Just Numbers To Them

(I am talking to a guy on [Dating App]. After a good while of talking:)Guy: “Wow! We have so much in common. You are the perfect woman. Smart, beautiful… May…[...]

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Should Be Your Blanket Response To Most Decisions

(In the morning:)Girlfriend: “I was cold last night.”Me: “Why?”Girlfriend: “Because you took all the blankets.”Me: “So, why didn’t you take them back?”Girlfriend: “Because I would have woken you up.”Me: *after…[...]

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What A Sheety Thing To Do

(I’m sitting on my bed when my dad sits next to me.)Dad: “When your mother gave birth to you, do you want to know the first thing she said to…[...]

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A Dollar For A Priceless Moment

(This is a memory of my husband, as he has since passed in July. I remember how whenever we went together into a store, we always came out with over…[...]

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Daddy Issues: The Holiday Special

(It’s Christmas Day, and my husband and I have just had his parents over for the morning. My husband’s father has already made several racist remarks — something he is…[...]

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A Lack Of Blood To The Brain

(I volunteer at the Red Cross reception desk one morning each week. The job’s not very difficult; mostly I just answer the phone and direct prospective donors to the blood…[...]

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A Lighter Side To This Story

(My fiancé has bought my Christmas present, and can’t resist giving me a hint.)Fiancé: “You’ll take it everywhere, and everyone will want to use it.”Me: *joking* “Is it a handkerchief?”Fiancé:…[...]

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A Lighter Side To This Story

(My fiancé has bought my Christmas present, and can’t resist giving me a hint.)Fiancé: “You’ll take it everywhere, and everyone will want to use it.”Me: *joking* “Is it a handkerchief?”Fiancé:…[...]

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A Non-Affair To Remember

(I am a 30-year-old female. A male customer, some 15 to 20 years older than me, has been hitting on me and I have politely turned him down. A week…[...]

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Another Typical Airport Romance

(My girlfriend and I have been dating for a little over a year, and she has been pestering me to come with her to London and visit her family during…[...]

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Nobody Nose It Like Men

(My parents and I are watching the movie “Frozen” on DVD. We reach this scene:)Kristoff: “What if you hate the way he picks his nose?”Anna: “Picks his nose?”Kristoff: “And eats…[...]

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An Assault On Decency

(I work on the registers of a fast food restaurant. It isn’t too busy and an elderly gentleman approaches the counter. I am cleaning the ice cream machine, so I…[...]

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Not So Happy Hunting

(I’m out hunting with my sisters and brother, and after night’s fallen and we’re all in for the evening, I call my boyfriend to say goodnight. A friend of his…[...]

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A Tall Drink And A Taller Order

(In college, some friends and I often go to lounge-type restaurant that switches over to being a bar after 9:00 pm. They also offer free dance lessons — salsa, bachata,…[...]

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He’s Got Nothing Going On

(I’m in line at a coffee shop. I don’t typically like much more than basic iced coffee, but it’s been a crappy week, so I decide to treat myself to…[...]

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Groping For A Verb

(In the midst of the spate of sexual harassment stories in the media, my wife puts down the newspaper with a grunt and a sigh.)Me: “Do I grope you or…[...]

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And After, Serve Them A Mite-Cap

(My wife and I have potted plants on our balcony, which have become infested with spider mites. We’re looking up remedies online.)Me: *reading off a website* “‘Make your own miticide…[...]

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Come As You Are, In A Shirt

(My husband and I decide to go out for breakfast, and this conversation happens while we’re seated outside, waiting for our food.)Husband: “I can’t believe it. That kid was born…[...]

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Valentine’s Pay

Several years ago, a friend and his wife invited my wife and me to dinner at a very nice local restaurant. The two of them had visited the restaurant several…[...]

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Valentine’s Crimes

(It’s Valentine’s Day, and although it’s not really celebrated in my country, we have a few things for the occasion. A young man comes running in, panting like crazy.)Customer: “I…[...]

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Unhappy Annibirthentine’s Day

Me: “Hey, [Coworker], it’s Valentine’s Day!”Coworker: “Not only that; it’s also my wedding anniversary.”Me: “Aww, how romantic!”Coworker: “And it’s my birthday!”Me: “Wow! Your husband must be planning something really special,…[...]

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This Marriage Is Not Dead

(I’m listening to a movie as I’m sewing. Right as a creature in the movie lets out a blood-curdling scream, I get a video call from my husband. I answer…[...]

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Sick Of Your Compliments

(My husband has been sick with a fever for a few days, and I have spent the weekend taking care of him. On the second morning, I feel his forehead.)Me:…[...]

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Husband, You Wound Me

(I am looking at Pinterest when I find a pin on how to do subcutaneous sutures. I am looking at it when my husband comes in, glances over my shoulder…[...]

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Alarm C(l)ock

(As I’m a compulsively early riser, my husband has asked that I wake him at six am if he hasn’t gotten up himself. I don’t hear his alarm at six,…[...]

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With Or Without U2

Husband: “You don’t know who David Bowie is!”Me: “Yeah, I do! He’s the Goblin King! Admittedly, I’ve never seen that movie.”Husband: *scoffs*Me: “He was a singer, too.”Husband: “Was? He’s still…[...]

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Never Too Late To Dump Him

(My boyfriend is ALWAYS late. Always. At least ten minutes, sometimes fifteen or twenty. I’m the kind of person who’s always ten minutes early. This means I am always waiting…[...]

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Too Little, Way Too Late

(After seven months, I completely fall out of love with my boyfriend, and I decide to break up with him. All of this happens in a fairly calm conversation, with…[...]

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The Butt Of Your Own Joke

(My husband and I are discussing a poor behaviour our puppy is exhibiting.)Husband: “I mean, if we don’t nip it in the butt—”Me: “HA! Did you just say, ‘Nip it…[...]

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Propelled Into Oddness

(My fiancé and I have just completed our first premarital counseling session and are on the drive home. I didn’t sleep well the night before, so I’m not in a…[...]

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No Need To Get Crabby About It

(My husband and I are on vacation. We’ve come to a fishing village to spend a week fishing. We also intend to catch mud crabs, as my husband has never…[...]

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Being Sour Grapes

(My wife and I are contemplating what to name our first child.)Wife: “I’m not opposed to ‘Grace’ for a middle name.”Me: “Neither am I. Better that than ‘Grapes.’”Wife: “What? When…[...]

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Romance Is Not In The Cards

(I am shopping in my town’s high street when a woman approaches me. I am male.)Woman: “You have a very beautiful aura. I can tell you are a fervent believer…[...]

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Stupid Jerk Humor

(I am speaking with my wife while on lunch. She is doing computer work at home.)Me: “You know, it upsets me that most of the chicken from Louisiana is so…[...]

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Getting Shirty About The Shirt

(My girlfriend and I are waiting in line to check out at a store. We’re in our late 30s, and while I’m into a lot of geeky things, she’s not.…[...]

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Make It An Ex-Pun

(I’m currently going through a divorce, and my wife is now wanting to take the dog. I tell my friends about this development.)Me: “[Ex-Wife] is talking about stealing [the dog].…[...]

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Nursing A Hospital Hangover

(My girlfriend and I are both bi women. She is in the hospital to have a minor operation. I have to work, but I stop by after my shift. She’s…[...]

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Chivalry Means Buying The Sex Toys

(After seeing a scene in the last “Fifty Shades” movie:)Husband: “Do you think he buys all new toys with each girl?”Me: “I mean, to be fair, he can afford to.”Husband:…[...]

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Weeding Through The Bad Gifts

(I smoke medical marijuana for PTSD and fibromyalgia pain. It’s Valentine’s Day, and my wife comes home and tosses me a package.)Wife: “Babe, I got you flowers!”Me: “Aww, so sweet!”(It…[...]

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Your Loyalty Is Numbered

(My boyfriend is shopping while I’m looking after the trolley filled with things from a previous shop. When he returns he is smirking.)Boyfriend: “So, the girl behind the counter just…[...]

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A Conversational Attack

(It’s the middle of dead week, so I decide to multitask by polishing my term paper while eating dinner in the on-campus cafeteria. Someone I don’t know sits in the…[...]

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Must Have Been Some Pun-ishing Sex

(My husband and I have a ten-month-old daughter. I’m sitting with her while she plays with some toys. She has one of those cubes where you put the different shaped…[...]

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Tied To That Answer

(My girlfriend and I have settled in for some kinky romance. She is wearing black lingerie, and I have just finished putting her into some light bondage. As I am…[...]

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The Infinity Breakfast

(I’ve just woken up, I’m being a bit lazy in getting up, and I want five more minutes of snuggles. I turn to my boyfriend, who is half-awake next to…[...]

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Either Way, You’re Both Just Nuts

(My long-distance boyfriend and I are messaging, asking about each other’s days and so forth. He asks me what I have been doing today. I’ve been working on the same…[...]

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