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A Lighter Side To This Story

(My fiancé has bought my Christmas present, and can’t resist giving me a hint.)Fiancé: “You’ll take it everywhere, and everyone will want to use it.”Me: *joking* “Is it a handkerchief?”Fiancé:…[...]

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A Non-Affair To Remember

(I am a 30-year-old female. A male customer, some 15 to 20 years older than me, has been hitting on me and I have politely turned him down. A week…[...]

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Another Typical Airport Romance

(My girlfriend and I have been dating for a little over a year, and she has been pestering me to come with her to London and visit her family during…[...]

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Nobody Nose It Like Men

(My parents and I are watching the movie “Frozen” on DVD. We reach this scene:)Kristoff: “What if you hate the way he picks his nose?”Anna: “Picks his nose?”Kristoff: “And eats…[...]

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An Assault On Decency

(I work on the registers of a fast food restaurant. It isn’t too busy and an elderly gentleman approaches the counter. I am cleaning the ice cream machine, so I…[...]

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Not So Happy Hunting

(I’m out hunting with my sisters and brother, and after night’s fallen and we’re all in for the evening, I call my boyfriend to say goodnight. A friend of his…[...]

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A Tall Drink And A Taller Order

(In college, some friends and I often go to lounge-type restaurant that switches over to being a bar after 9:00 pm. They also offer free dance lessons — salsa, bachata,…[...]

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He’s Got Nothing Going On

(I’m in line at a coffee shop. I don’t typically like much more than basic iced coffee, but it’s been a crappy week, so I decide to treat myself to…[...]

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Groping For A Verb

(In the midst of the spate of sexual harassment stories in the media, my wife puts down the newspaper with a grunt and a sigh.)Me: “Do I grope you or…[...]

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And After, Serve Them A Mite-Cap

(My wife and I have potted plants on our balcony, which have become infested with spider mites. We’re looking up remedies online.)Me: *reading off a website* “‘Make your own miticide…[...]

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Come As You Are, In A Shirt

(My husband and I decide to go out for breakfast, and this conversation happens while we’re seated outside, waiting for our food.)Husband: “I can’t believe it. That kid was born…[...]

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Valentine’s Pay

Several years ago, a friend and his wife invited my wife and me to dinner at a very nice local restaurant. The two of them had visited the restaurant several…[...]

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Valentine’s Crimes

(It’s Valentine’s Day, and although it’s not really celebrated in my country, we have a few things for the occasion. A young man comes running in, panting like crazy.)Customer: “I…[...]

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Unhappy Annibirthentine’s Day

Me: “Hey, [Coworker], it’s Valentine’s Day!”Coworker: “Not only that; it’s also my wedding anniversary.”Me: “Aww, how romantic!”Coworker: “And it’s my birthday!”Me: “Wow! Your husband must be planning something really special,…[...]

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This Marriage Is Not Dead

(I’m listening to a movie as I’m sewing. Right as a creature in the movie lets out a blood-curdling scream, I get a video call from my husband. I answer…[...]

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Sick Of Your Compliments

(My husband has been sick with a fever for a few days, and I have spent the weekend taking care of him. On the second morning, I feel his forehead.)Me:…[...]

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Husband, You Wound Me

(I am looking at Pinterest when I find a pin on how to do subcutaneous sutures. I am looking at it when my husband comes in, glances over my shoulder…[...]

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Alarm C(l)ock

(As I’m a compulsively early riser, my husband has asked that I wake him at six am if he hasn’t gotten up himself. I don’t hear his alarm at six,…[...]

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With Or Without U2

Husband: “You don’t know who David Bowie is!”Me: “Yeah, I do! He’s the Goblin King! Admittedly, I’ve never seen that movie.”Husband: *scoffs*Me: “He was a singer, too.”Husband: “Was? He’s still…[...]

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Never Too Late To Dump Him

(My boyfriend is ALWAYS late. Always. At least ten minutes, sometimes fifteen or twenty. I’m the kind of person who’s always ten minutes early. This means I am always waiting…[...]

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Too Little, Way Too Late

(After seven months, I completely fall out of love with my boyfriend, and I decide to break up with him. All of this happens in a fairly calm conversation, with…[...]

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The Butt Of Your Own Joke

(My husband and I are discussing a poor behaviour our puppy is exhibiting.)Husband: “I mean, if we don’t nip it in the butt—”Me: “HA! Did you just say, ‘Nip it…[...]

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Propelled Into Oddness

(My fiancé and I have just completed our first premarital counseling session and are on the drive home. I didn’t sleep well the night before, so I’m not in a…[...]

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No Need To Get Crabby About It

(My husband and I are on vacation. We’ve come to a fishing village to spend a week fishing. We also intend to catch mud crabs, as my husband has never…[...]

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Being Sour Grapes

(My wife and I are contemplating what to name our first child.)Wife: “I’m not opposed to ‘Grace’ for a middle name.”Me: “Neither am I. Better that than ‘Grapes.’”Wife: “What? When…[...]

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Romance Is Not In The Cards

(I am shopping in my town’s high street when a woman approaches me. I am male.)Woman: “You have a very beautiful aura. I can tell you are a fervent believer…[...]

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Stupid Jerk Humor

(I am speaking with my wife while on lunch. She is doing computer work at home.)Me: “You know, it upsets me that most of the chicken from Louisiana is so…[...]

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Getting Shirty About The Shirt

(My girlfriend and I are waiting in line to check out at a store. We’re in our late 30s, and while I’m into a lot of geeky things, she’s not.…[...]

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Make It An Ex-Pun

(I’m currently going through a divorce, and my wife is now wanting to take the dog. I tell my friends about this development.)Me: “[Ex-Wife] is talking about stealing [the dog].…[...]

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Nursing A Hospital Hangover

(My girlfriend and I are both bi women. She is in the hospital to have a minor operation. I have to work, but I stop by after my shift. She’s…[...]

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Chivalry Means Buying The Sex Toys

(After seeing a scene in the last “Fifty Shades” movie:)Husband: “Do you think he buys all new toys with each girl?”Me: “I mean, to be fair, he can afford to.”Husband:…[...]

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Weeding Through The Bad Gifts

(I smoke medical marijuana for PTSD and fibromyalgia pain. It’s Valentine’s Day, and my wife comes home and tosses me a package.)Wife: “Babe, I got you flowers!”Me: “Aww, so sweet!”(It…[...]

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Your Loyalty Is Numbered

(My boyfriend is shopping while I’m looking after the trolley filled with things from a previous shop. When he returns he is smirking.)Boyfriend: “So, the girl behind the counter just…[...]

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A Conversational Attack

(It’s the middle of dead week, so I decide to multitask by polishing my term paper while eating dinner in the on-campus cafeteria. Someone I don’t know sits in the…[...]

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Must Have Been Some Pun-ishing Sex

(My husband and I have a ten-month-old daughter. I’m sitting with her while she plays with some toys. She has one of those cubes where you put the different shaped…[...]

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Tied To That Answer

(My girlfriend and I have settled in for some kinky romance. She is wearing black lingerie, and I have just finished putting her into some light bondage. As I am…[...]

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The Infinity Breakfast

(I’ve just woken up, I’m being a bit lazy in getting up, and I want five more minutes of snuggles. I turn to my boyfriend, who is half-awake next to…[...]

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Either Way, You’re Both Just Nuts

(My long-distance boyfriend and I are messaging, asking about each other’s days and so forth. He asks me what I have been doing today. I’ve been working on the same…[...]

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Nice Saves On Not-So-Nice Subjects

Husband: “Would you be mad if you fell asleep and I started doing you…”Me: “…”Husband: “…”Me: “…”Husband: “…a …huge favour by rubbing your back?”(On another occasion… Note: My husband works…[...]

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It’s Not Working Out

(My boyfriend and I have been going to a gym regularly for the past several months, so we have a pretty well-established routine. I’ve been stretching for maybe a minute…[...]

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Definitely Has The Balls To Do It

I work at a fast-food place with my friend. It’s mid-summer and my friend has just had a messy breakup with his girlfriend of three years, after he caught her…[...]

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Castration Frustration

(My husband has a YouTube playlist running, and the current song is by a singer with a surprisingly high vocal range. At this point, Ireland and Britain are in for…[...]

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A Sharp Wit Can Be A Lifesaver

(I’ve been suffering from chronic depression for most of my life, and my husband has been exceptionally patient and loving to me through my episodes. With his help, I’ve built…[...]

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Maiden For Life

(A customer calls my store to place a cake order for the following week. When I ask for a name for the order, this happens.)Me: “And can I get a…[...]

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We Wish You A Long And Lasting Hummus

(We live in a two-level house, where one level is basement-level and the other is ground-level. Our bedroom is in the basement level, with the living room directly over it.…[...]

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Finally Doing The Thing

(I’ve been dating a guy for a while, things have been going pretty well, and he finally proposes!)Boyfriend: “I was thinking about us getting married. What do you think?”Me: “Swiggity…[...]

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Takes A Lecture To Get A Number

(I’m in a college tutorial class, where instead of a large seminar room, about 20 of us are sat in a smaller room with a few group tables. There is…[...]

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That’s Flawed Writing

(I get up to grab something off the shelf when I trip suddenly and nearly fall, barely catching myself on the arm of the couch.)Husband: “Are you okay?!”Me: “Yeah. I’m…[...]

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Eating For Two, One Last Time

(I’m in hard labor with my first child, who is two weeks overdue. After early labor all day, it’s now past midnight and the contractions are unbearable. My husband is…[...]

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The Number Of The Mistress

(My store has a loyalty program with no card or keyring tag; we look customers up by their phone number. In cases where people are shopping for gifts and are…[...]

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I’m Feline Crazy!

(My boyfriend and I are hanging out on the couch watching television. He’s got his yarn and crochet hook out when I have a realization.)Me: “You know, I think we’re…[...]

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No Need To Be Mooby About It

(I’m in a bar during my first week of university and have sat down by the dance floor to rest for a minute. A student I vaguely recognise from my…[...]

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When I’m With You, It’s Electric

(My boyfriend and I are sitting on the couch when my cat jumps up and lies down between us. I start petting him, when my boyfriend gets my attention.)Boyfriend: “Ow!”Me:…[...]

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Kiss Goodbye Your First Kiss

(I am six. My sister is nine and bossy. My mother works for her friend, who has two boys our age. We play together in their huge backyard.)Sister: “Let’s play…[...]

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50/50 Chance Of Keeping Quiet

(I am a math teacher, and my husband is a bookkeeper working on an accounting degree, so we both do a lot of math. We attend a conservative church where…[...]

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Winded And Wounded

(My husband and I are lying in bed, both on our phones, before going to sleep. He’s laughing, apparently reading something funny.)Husband: “I promise you that if I live to…[...]

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“Gone” Travelling

(My mom is a dreamer and loves to travel. My father, on the other hand, is more of a homebody, and my mom lovingly refers to him as an old…[...]

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Whiskey And Die

(I’m talking with my girlfriend online. She tells me she is taking her sister in for some medical tests and asks me what I’m doing.)Me: “I’m watching Criminal Minds and…[...]

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When Do We Not Need Chicken Nuggets?

What My Husband Said: “Thank you for putting up with my shenanigans.”What I Heard: “Thank you for putting up with my chicken nuggets.”(I tell him what I heard.)Husband: “You need…[...]

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A Vampire And A Vulture

(I’m 20 and have just had an appendectomy, but I also went in hypokalemic, so before they discharge me they want to check my blood. This happens around six am,…[...]

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Queen Of The Dead

(My anatomy and physiology class has started cadaver dissections, and although the professor is on hand to help or answer questions, he tries to let us do as much of…[...]

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Time To Get Some Sexperience Points

(At home, my significant other is playing a medieval-style video game. I’ve just gotten out of the shower and am walking back to our bedroom to finish getting dressed when…[...]

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Budged More Than A Few Inches

(I’m at the salon getting my hair cut with my stylist who I have been going to for nearly five years. We know each other quite well and both have…[...]

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Divorce On Course

(My best friend has finally made the decision to leave her husband. She has been wanting to for about a year, but kept trying to make it work, which has…[...]

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Cash, Credit, Or Creep?

(I’m a new cashier and female. It’s a pretty slow day. This customer looks to be in his early 30s and his items are wine and a box of condoms.…[...]

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Wakey Wakey, Cheese And Bakey

(I am pregnant, and though I have gotten past morning sickness for the most part, I am still not a morning person. My boyfriend has also discovered how to use…[...]

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Observed Something In Passing (Out)

(In high school, I go with my girlfriend when she donates blood. I recently got a piercing, so I can’t donate. After, in the recovery room, she keeps bending over…[...]

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Achieved Nothing

(I usually look after the house and shopping on weekends, but today, I’ll be busy working during shopping hours while my husband will be in charge of the house and…[...]

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Triple Threat

(There is a twenty-something woman who is a regular at the neighborhood restaurant where I work. She works at another local restaurant, but we’re open later, so she’ll come after…[...]

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Drive You To Have Fun

(I’ve had a rough couple of months, splitting up with my abusive partner, changing stores for work, and moving to a new place. I have scraped together basic furniture but…[...]

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You Make Me Feel Week

(My girlfriend and I — also female — have been dating for six years, and recently moved to Italy together as we are both archaeologists. I decide to talk a…[...]

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A Shot Of Hard Truth

(My friend and I recently became roommates because she wanted to move away from her fiancé. They’re still together, but figured they need some time apart. I’m friends with both…[...]

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He’s In His Own Little Box

(I love my husband, but my biggest pet peeve with him is his tendency to completely zone out on me if he’s on his phone, reading, watching a movie, etc.…[...]

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