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This Relationship Is Banned

My lifelong favorite band broke up when I was a bit too young to have ever had a chance to attend a concert, and they notoriously hated each other too…[...]

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Use Your Brain, Not Your Grain

(I have just entered into a civil partnership. At first my husband was adamant that he wouldn’t take my name, and refused to let me take his. However two days…[...]

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Toilet Humor

(I’m looking on a popular online auction site for cheap self-cleaning/filtered kitty litter trays. It’s Friday and we rent our house. I’ve just found exactly what I’m looking for.)Me: “Ew……[...]

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When You Live With Your Griefer

(My boyfriend and I are playfully bantering in the kitchen, and he is “beating me” on every point I bring up.)Me: *jokingly exasperated* “Can’t you give me anything?”Boyfriend: “…Grief?”[...]

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Here We Pokémon Go Again, Part 39

(I’ve only been dating my boyfriend for a year, but we are very close and tentatively planning our future together. We also love playing Pokémon Go. While out on a…[...]

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Married To A Germaniac

(I speak German. My wife doesn’t.)Wife: “What does ‘polter’ mean?”Me: “It’s kind of like… ‘geräusch.’ Which is another German word… and does not help you at all!”[...]

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Broken Relationship

(My boyfriend is usually a pretty grounded person, but every once in a while he comes up with some crazy thoughts. We’re cuddling on the couch watching TV when suddenly…[...]

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The Guys Who Linger In Lingerie

(I am about 16 or 17 working at a low end department store in the lingerie department. I am also tiny, 5’0″ – 110 lbs, and look much younger than…[...]

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Makeout Sessions Leave You Tapped Out

(My boyfriend and I are spending the night together, and we’ve started making out.)Boyfriend: *in between kisses* “Come on, show me what you can do.”Me: “I can tap dance.”Boyfriend: “No,…[...]

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Roped Into That One

(One of our cats has gotten sick, so we’ve taken her to the vet. After the exam, they take her off to give her a couple of shots. Left alone,…[...]

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Three ‘Noes’ Could Be A Yes

(I work at a well-known company helping to diagnose and troubleshoot devices when things go wrong. While I often have to face challenging, upset, and sometimes downright disrespectful customers, this…[...]

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Got His Second, Third, Fourth Wind

(My husband and I have a roommate. One morning, I come down stairs to find she’s written a note, explaining she had some of our juice, followed by a signature…[...]

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The Wedding Vow Of Mordor

(My boyfriend and I are at the wedding of a couple we’re good friends with. It’s worth noting that all four of us are huge nerds, and the couple have…[...]

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Getting Into His Head

(I am standing in our kitchen when my husband walks through to the refrigerator. I keep hearing a slight hissing noise.)Me: “What is that noise?”Husband: “You can hear that?”Me: “Yes.”(I…[...]

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Pie Oh My!

(I work maintenance at an apartment complex. My first call of the day is the unit of a married couple. The wife works from home. She answers the door and…[...]

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You Should Be Anniver-Sorry

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year, and we are coming up on our first anniversary. We don’t know the real “official” date of our anniversary,…[...]

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Getting A Slice Of Their Marriage

(I am helping a customer renew her policy. I am generating a new quote.)Me: “Okay, it looks like that be [amount] for the first month and [amount] for eleven months…[...]

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Not Always Romantic 101

(I hear a male teacher giving dating advice to a male student.)Teacher: “Let me give you some advice, [Student]. When they’re crying like that, you don’t call them stubborn!”[...]

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Time To Ring Up Those Purchases

(My fiancée and I are looking at wedding rings online. He’s on his phone and I’m at the desktop.)Fiancée: “I found one I like, but it’s pricier than the last…[...]

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A Model Employee

(I work in a computer store in a department where we sell computer parts. We assist customers in picking out parts and sometimes assist with actually putting the computer together…[...]

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Crazy, Practical, Love

(My boyfriend and I are getting ready to go to a convention. We’re cosplaying as a couple of ‘Bioshock’ Splicers, creepy creatures in ripped-up 50s formal wear, and we’re getting…[...]

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A Naked Realization

(My husband and I have been married about six months. He comes into the bedroom while I’m changing my clothes, immediately covers his eyes, and turns around.)Me: “What are you…[...]

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You’ll Get The Meaning In Your Dreams

Husband: “Hey, [My Name]. I was reading about dream interpretation.”Me: “Oh, cool.”Husband: “I looked up a dream I had last night on [Dream Website] and it’s pretty accurate. Can I…[...]

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Living With A Complex Kitty

(I was living with my then-boyfriend’s family. They have three cats. One of them is tiny; even though she’s a 16-year old-cat there are many five-year-old cats that are bigger.…[...]

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Posting A New Romance Update

Boyfriend: *whispering in my ear* “I love you with all of my heart.”Me: “I love you with all of my heart, too.”Boyfriend: “You know why I whispered it?”Me: “No, why?”Boyfriend:…[...]

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They’re More Indoors People

(My friend and I are discussing the issue of hot guys who act like jerks.)Friend: “It’s like that thing your parents say about you can be pretty on the outside…[...]

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Hypothetically Bold To Ask

(I’m invited to a get-together with coworkers. It’s the beginning of summer and a perfect evening, so the small group of us sit outside talking for a couple hours with…[...]

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Give The Pep Talk A Rest

(I’m a nurse and working night shift in this story. Lately, my husband has been getting up at 4:50 am to go to the gym before work but normally gets…[...]

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My Love For You Is Organic

(I have been teasing my husband about why he’d keep me around. I decide he must have some scheme.)Me: “Wait a minute. You don’t have some plot to sell off…[...]

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Try Some Phish Food Instead

(My husband and I are trying to figure out what to have for dinner.)Husband: “I mean there’s seafood… or breakfast food. Breakfast fish?”Me: “I’m not so sure breakfast fish is…[...]

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Shut Down Your Brain

(I’m on a Skype phone call on my laptop with my ex-boyfriend. He just got done helping me finish a character for a Dungeons and Dragons game I’m trying to…[...]

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Married To The Merry Murderesses

(My husband and I share a girlfriend, with whom we live. We share everything pretty equally, including sometimes stealing each other’s clothes, which usually takes the form of our girlfriend…[...]

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Too Late For Puppy Love

(It’s after midnight and we’re in bed, but the dog is insistent on playing.)Me: “No, puppy! Stop trying to force your balls under the blanket. They’re gross and it’s sleep…[...]

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Not Quite Married To The Idea

(I’m in my mid-20s, female, and single. This is very odd in our small town, as most girls marry fairly young. Occasionally, customers comment on it. I don’t mind too…[...]

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His Scolding Is Heavy Handed

(I am the type of person who likes to move things around for a fresh look. My husband is the opposite so I usually move things while he’s not home.…[...]

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The Ring-Bearer Of Bad News

(My husband and I have been married for about six months and he is great at losing things, including his wedding ring a few times. Yesterday evening he was smoking…[...]

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H2-Slow, Part 16

(I promise I am usually not a stupid person, but for some reason on some days I have severe pregnancy brain, especially since hitting third trimester. I am at the…[...]

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Today I Feel Like Doing Sweet Nothings

Boyfriend: *whispering* “I love you.”Me: “I love you, too.”Boyfriend: “Know why I whispered it?”Me: *expecting something romantic* “Why?”Boyfriend: “Because I’m lazy.”[...]

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Buttering You Up In Your Dreams

(My boyfriend sometimes talks in his sleep. Usually it’s gibberish or a word or two. Usually. It is about an hour after we go to bed, and he rolls over…[...]

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The Running Dead

(I go out for a jog, after not having exercised in a while, so I’m happy that I get my heart rate up. I go home and let my husband…[...]

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I Want To Taste Your (V)ino

(It was a perfect evening, and I and my husband are in bed, ready to make it even more perfect.)Husband: *hugging me and kissing* “Mmm… Love, you smell like merlot.”Me:…[...]

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First Date With Bill

(I’m on a first date with a guy I met through friends. We’re having dinner and drinks in a bar I frequent a lot. He even commented on how the…[...]

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Work And Dogs Have Killed Romance

(I used to work in a hotel. We were never allowed to give out guest’s room numbers without checking with the guest first. One of our agents allowed a guests’…[...]

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Periodically Interrupted Again

(I am the author of – in which my female friends and family members and I will suddenly start talking about periods when a man is around, to make them…[...]

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Mooses And Fences And Cats, Oh My

(My husband comes to bed after I’m asleep. I halfway wake up.)Me: “Did you see the baby mooses?”Husband: “The what?”Me: “The baby mooses. They were jumping through the fence.”Husband: “Do…[...]

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Being Apart From You Is Murder

My husband and I have been married for almost ten years, and rarely go anywhere apart. Recently, I had to go away on a business trip for a week, and…[...]

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Their Love Is (On) Special

(I work as a pharmacy technician and wear barcode stickers on my hands to easily identify myself to the computer. Today I forgot to take them off before picking my…[...]

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A Land-Line To Middle-Earth

(My boyfriend is from Oklahoma. I’m originally from Connecticut, but moved to OK with him. If you aren’t familiar with either area, they are quite different. OK is fairly flat…[...]

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Teaching You New Words To This Day

(I’m playing on my laptop one night, doing non-work things, with my husband near by when I start to get frustrated.)Me: “Oh, poopy butt!”Husband: *laughs* “And that’s how you know…[...]

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Going Out With You Is A Scream

(I am at a large amusement park’s annual Halloween festival, where there are plenty of haunted houses to go through. I am waiting in line and see a teenage girl,…[...]

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Got That Couch Problem Licked

(We’re having a yard sale. I open the garage door to get something when one of the customers spots the couch we have in there and asks if it’s for…[...]

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Jokes So Bad It Leaves You Light-Headed

(My husband is untraditional in his romantic gestures and it suits our whimsical natures quite well. One of the sweetest sentiments he has ever written to me is, “Every day……[...]

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And It Shall Come With Crocodiles

(My boyfriend and I are half-asleep in bed together. Note, we’ve been discussing one day getting a house together.)Boyfriend: *randomly turns to me* “I should think so.”Me: *now awake* “What…[...]

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Things Are Looking Up

(It’s late at night. I’m in bed reading ‘IT’ by Stephen King on my phone. All other lights are off.)Wife: *sitting up but still asleep* “There’s something on the ceiling.”Me:…[...]

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Necessarily Paying Attention

(How to tell my husband isn’t paying attention to me:)Me: “We haven’t had sex in three days.”Husband: “Not necessarily.”(No, he’s not getting sex elsewhere. He just really was not paying…[...]

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A Dress You Can Wear Once A Month

Woman: “I want a dress in your pastel pink collection.”Me: Of course. Have you picked out a style?Woman: “Well, I was wondering if you could drape it like a giant…[...]

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Making A Bobe Of Yourself

(My wife and I are in bed, using her laptop to write thank-you cards for our recent wedding.)Wife: “I have to use the bathroom. And after that I’m going to…[...]

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Love Is Love… Idiot

(My uncle is a self-proclaimed redneck and always has been. We lost contact with each other but finally got each other’s phone numbers again and are speaking for the first…[...]

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Behaving Like A Child

(I am 18 years old and have recently started going out with a guy I met at my college. While we are getting to know each other, I find out…[...]

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Puns That Make You Weak

(My husband and I are at my parents’ for dinner tonight and came early to help set up. Mom had eye surgery last week so we’re not letting her do…[...]

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Your Mission Is To Be Quiet

(My boyfriend and I are sitting in the living room, waiting for the bedroom to cool down so that we can go to sleep, since our summers can get pretty…[...]

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When An Ex Cancels Out Another Ex

(Five years ago, the ex-girlfriend of a former roommate married my ex-boyfriend. That was one year after I had broken up with him. I didn’t attend their wedding, but we…[...]

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The Single Biggest Surprise

(For years, I used to be single and in the end I started to get really unhappy about that. Since it really became a big issue, lots of friends and…[...]

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Some Jokes Never Die

(I’m working as a cashier at a grocery store and ringing up a male customer. After greeting him, I ask him if he needs any bags.)Customer: “No, mine divorced me…[...]

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Your Mission Is To Be Quiet

(My boyfriend and I are sitting in the living room, waiting for the bedroom to cool down so that we can go to sleep, since our summers can get pretty…[...]

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Not Anal About Phrasing

(I was chatting with a coworker, and she mentioned another coworker of ours has a crush on her.)Coworker #1: “Nothing against [Coworker #2] as a person, but I could never…[...]

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Trying To Date Sheldon Cooper

(It’s early in the evening and there’s only one guest, a woman in her early twenties, but soon a guy around the same age comes in and takes a place…[...]

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This Relationship Is A Train-Wreck

I am teaching English in the Czech Republic with my boyfriend. After talking me into moving overseas he is hating living there and I am loving it. We are invited…[...]

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It’s A Normal Human Condition(er)

(It’s tough to get any adult privacy in our household with small children. My husband and I finally get some intimate shared shower time, including using some conditioner for lubricant,…[...]

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Use Cerebro To Make It So

(My husband and I are watching one of the X-men movies.)Me: “No, Captain Picard! That’s a terrible idea; why would you do that?”Husband: “You do know that’s Professor X right?”Me:…[...]

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My Friend Is Such A Boob

(My fiancé and I are cuddling in bed. It is important to note that while he and I have a faithful, monogamous relationship, I frequently cuddle with my best friend…[...]

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You’re Fully Serviced

(I’m over at my boyfriend’s house, and he’s put a couple mugs of water in the microwave to make tea, and then forgotten about them. It’s worth noting that I…[...]

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Creep Spill In Aisle Fourteen

(This is before cell phones are common. My mom and I stop at a clothes store after she picks me up from school. Since I haven’t had a chance to…[...]

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Add An Order Of Tea/No Tea

(My husband and I often visit a nearby convenience store that opened recently. Aside from being a gas station primarily, it also has a deli/food area with touch screens for…[...]

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Bambi’s New Mommy

(My boyfriend and I are messaging each other about deer. I send him a picture of a deer that was in my yard and he replies back with many pictures…[...]

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A New Definition Of Puppy Love

My boyfriend has a untrained dog who, embarrassingly, jumps on people any chance he can get, and humps legs. One day my boyfriend came home from walking him, while I…[...]

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About To Swear Like A Sailor

(I live in a college city with a harbor. Sometimes Navy vessels dock, and sailors get leave to come ashore for a while. I am in a college bar [a…[...]

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Should Think Before You Ink

(I have quite large, visible tattoos, and customers often compliment me on them and have a bit of a chat. This one takes the cake, though!)Customer: “[My Name]… Is that…[...]

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Not Worth Moan(a)ing About

(My boyfriend and I are hanging around the toy section of a supermarket. There is a stuffed Hei Hei [the derpy chicken from “Moana”] that makes noise when you press…[...]

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Three Different Types Of Monster

(My husband works nights, and is often extremely tired during the day, but he sleeps very erratically, so it’s hard to plan his eating schedule. I try to help him.…[...]

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Sizing Up To Be A Nice House

(After years of scrimping, planning, and renting a tiny room in a small condo to save money, my husband and I are buying a house. We’re still constantly staggered by…[...]

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A Shocking Mother-In-Law

(In my husband’s family, his mother is referred to as “Nana” by our son and his cousins. At the time of this story, I am doing homework for a medical…[...]

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