Cupid Dog

As my boy human, and I walk out the gate to leave the county park, I am pumped. During the last couple of hours, I’ve successfully executed a masterful plan to help Greg meet the girl human of his dreams. As an extra bonus, I got to meet the most beautiful canine of the female persuasion any red-blooded Lab could ever hope for. Here’s how it all went down.

Two hours ago, as we walked into the county park, I was on full alert. I scanned the crowd as I categorized the myriad of smells that seemingly were coming from everywhere. As the loyal companion of my boy human, it was my duty to always be with him and help him. — I just love helping! — Our/my mission today was to find the girl human that my boy human had been obsessing over and figure out a way for him to “meet” her. Earlier in the week, we’d seen her once at the hardware store, and my boy human was immediately smitten by her. However, that day we never got close enough for me to even give her an initial “smell over.” – FYI, In the canine world, “smell overs” are an essential part of getting to know a human.

As we passed the entrance gate, I spotted her. We hadn’t known for sure if she would even be there, but there she was, over by the snow-cone stand! My boy human seemed oblivious though. — I must make a note to help him stay focused.

I strained at my leash and got a closer look; my steely, canine eyes spotted something in the girl human’s hand! … It was a leash, and at the end of it was a canine of the female persuasion, … and she was gorgeous! — I wonder if she smells as good as she looks? But I digress! — Now this little wrinkle could have complicated things for me, but like all Labs, I’m very adaptable. I was sure I could handle it. However, before going further, I should give additional context to the story.

My boy human is a seventeen-year-old Kansas farm boy who had been talking with a couple of his buddies about the new girl we had noticed the other day at the hardware store. It seems her dad just recently bought the store and had moved his family to our little town. She would be a sophomore when school started in September. You should also know that although my boy human meets the criteria to be classified as a biped with opposable thumbs, at times, especially when it comes to meeting girl humans, he’s not the sharpest pencil in the box – Sometimes I’m not even sure he’s in the box. — I realized that he was gonna need a lot of help, and it was my duty to be there to help him!

The year is 1962, and I am a four-year-old Lab. — Which in my humble opinion is the most wonderful breed of dog to ever walk upon the earth, but I digress. — However, I am a cut above your average run-of-the-mill Lab. All Labs are handsome, but I’m more than that… I also possess great suaveness and a lot of debonaire. Labs in general are also considered smart; however, I consider myself a genius —Are you getting the picture?

My complete name is Sir Chance Alot, but most folks just call me Chance. However, sometimes my name gets a little longer because people add words to it. My boy human says No, Chance a lot, but his all-time favorite seems to be Dammit, Chance! — Okay, maybe this information indicates that I’m not always totally perfect … but I’m always totally loveable!

Now that we’re all better acquainted, I think I will refer to my boy human in a more personal way. I’ll just refer to him by his name, Greg.

Moving on with the story now. One hot afternoon two days ago, Greg and I, along with a couple of his knot head buddies, were skinny dipping in ol’ man Hodges’ pond to cool off. — They’d ditched their clothes; I’d ditched my collar (which makes me feel naked); so technically, that made us all skinny dippers that day. Again, I digress.

As I was floating on an old wooden raft in the cool water with them, I listened as Greg talked about the new girl human we’d seen at the hardware store. Words like cute, beautiful, and gorgeous kept popping up in his description of her. However, the only factual thing he knew about her was that her name was Samantha.

I listened as their conversation continued. It didn’t take long before I knew — through my superior canine intuition — that my boy human was totally infatuated with this girl, and yet he knew nothing more about her than her name. Add to that, neither one of us had had a chance to smell of her yet. — As a side note, I personally prefer the smell of girl humans over boy humans. Girl humans remind me of flowers; boy humans remind me of the time I accidentally introduced myself to a skunk. Yuuuuck! Again, I digress.

As we continued our skinny dip, one of his buddies suggested she might be at the Fourth of July picnic scheduled for the next Saturday at the county park. His thought was that maybe the park picnic could be a good place to meet her and get acquainted. Greg’s other buddy suggested that he should consider showering again before Saturday because right then, he had no chance to make a good first impression. – If she got a whiff of him right then, she would probably think he wears a cologne named Eau de Dead Frog. Again, I digress.

There’s a couple more pieces of information that are key to this story. Without bragging, you should know that among my many talents is what we canines call “pack building.” My peers consider me to be a “pack builder extraordinaire.” So, as I listened to my boy human and his buddies, it became apparent that my expertise in this area was going to be needed.

The other relevant thing is that I am four years old in human years, but in dog years, I’m far older when compared to my seventeen-year-old boy human. To me, he’s just a puppy! He needs help from one with experience, — That would be me. — and since he’s my boy human, it’s my job to help. — I love helping!

Earlier, I revealed that with my keen canine eyesight, I had spotted the girl human named Samantha before Greg did, and she was holding a leash. I soon determined that it had a canine of the female persuasion attached to its end, so I tugged at my leash in the direction of the girl human and her canine companion. Finally, I got Greg moving in their direction.

However, as we moved deeper into the park, I found myself becoming enthralled with the aromas in this place. There was chicken, ham, “tater” salad, beer, fresh mown grass, leather boots, perfume (lots of girls there), hotdogs (the eatin’ kind). I became totally immersed in a dog heaven smorgasbord of intoxicating aromas. Then I caught a whiff of bleu cheese; Why would anyone bring that stuff. It smells awful; it tastes awful, and it’s not even blue! … Whoa, the stinky cheese thing shocked me back to the task at hand. Somehow, I’d lost focus. I paused, cleared my head, and shortly, I recovered. I got back on task!

Finally, we got closer to them, and I got a better look at the little number at the end of that leash. She looked more fantastic the nearer we got. I usually prefer purebreds, not mixed breeds. However, my preferences changed today. The “hotty” at the end of that leash looked to be one-of-a-kind. — Come to think of it, that might make her purebred, right? … But again, I digress — About that time; I realized I’d had another brain fart! Distraction had set in again, only this time I was distracted by a beautiful canine of the female persuasion. I had to pause; I had to refocus again. It took me a moment, but I did it! — I’m a professional, you know!

Finally, Greg saw the girl human, and I felt his grip loosen on the leash; I lunged and sure enough I pulled the leash out of his hand, and I was free. It was time to do my thing!

I began running all over the park while barking. That started lots of commotions. I ran a lot; I barked a lot; I ignored the fact that my name was being called a lot; I even heard my heritage questioned more than once. It was great fun for a while, but then it hit me! I needed a plan, and at that moment, I did not have one.

I needed a ploy to get my very P.O.ed boy human over by the girl human, (the one with the “hot” little number at the end of her leash). As I analyzed the situation, I remembered the old “tangle the leashes” maneuver I’d used before. It should work here, too. While still running and barking, I continued to peruse the situation. (Let’s see; they’re standing by that chair; I’m dragging my leash; two turns around the chair should tangle everything perfectly. Yep, this should work! I now have a plan!)

The next thing is to execute the plan. Everyone in the park was watching; most everyone was shouting; Greg was yelling; the girl human was screaming; her “hot” dog was barking; I’m circling the chairs; the leashes are tangling! … Success! … Time to just sit down, admire my work, and pant– I love it when a plan comes together so perfectly.

Finally, things calmed down. I got my first real closeup of the “hotty” on the leash. I could tell she had some French poodle in her lineage, but the rest didn’t really matter because she was gorgeous! It was time to proceed with the get acquainted “smell-off.”

I used my own personal technique for this routine. I started at her head and worked my way back towards the other end. — There was no need to rush. — Then I reversed and worked my way back. — Whoa, she must like me; she smelled me back in the same way. – When I got back to her head, I felt the girl human’s hand pet me, so I softly nuzzled and licked it. – Nuzzling and licking, the quickest way to a girl’s heart! — We were now officially acquainted, and I felt free to call her by her name, Samantha.

Then my head cleared somewhat. In the background, I heard Greg tell Samantha what an awful dog I am. She shyly laughed and said she thought I was cute. — Bless your heart! But what about the “hotty” I’ve been smelling. I need more information.

I heard Greg tell her that her dog was really pretty. Then he asked for her dog’s name. — Atta boy! — I listened intently as she told him her “hotty’s” name was Cutie. — Oh, be still my heart! How apropos her name!

Then I made my move and sat down beside Samantha and Cutie. We begin wagging our tails in unison. — Just me and Cutie, not the girl human. — Then she asked my boy human what his name was, and he told her to call him Greg. As he glared at me, he told her that my name was Chance. Then he added that I am an awful dog. — Have you lost your mind? I’ve just made it possible for you to be talking to Samantha who you’ve been “ga-ga” over all week. Where is your appreciation? — She smiled and told him she was sure he was exaggerating quite a bit. But no, he reassured her that I really was an awful dog. — Ingrate!

Then he asked what her name was. She told him it was Samantha, but everyone just calls her Sam. — We knew that already, Dumdum! I think I’ll call her Sam too. — I tuned them out and turned my attention to Cutie. She smelled as wonderful as she was gorgeous. I moved closer again, and she turned away slightly. — Ahh, playing hard to get. I like that. — I looked away too but moved slightly downwind. I needed to bask in her scent.

Then, I heard Greg and Sam talking again. He told her Cutie looked to be part poodle. Sam replied that Cutie’s mother was a poodle, and her father was a golden retriever. Almost apologetically, she said Cutie was a “mixed-breed” — Oh, I love “mixed-breeds,” and I always have! — I was in heaven as I continued to bask in her scent. It was intoxicating. However, she still ignored me, but I was sure I could soon change that.

Greg asked if Cutie did any tricks. Sam said Cutie would trot in circles around her feet on command. She asked if he would like to see her perform? — Yes, we would! Yes, we would! — Greg said he’d love that. Then, Sam said something to Cutie, and she started moving in circles around her feet. — Oh, my gosh, look at those moves! — After several circles, Cutie sat down in front of Sam and looked up. Sam reached into her pocket, pulled out a treat, and gave it to Cutie. — I could do some stuff for a treat. Okay, I think I’ll whine obnoxiously and see what happens!

I let out a whine as Cutie got her treat. Sam looked at me and asked if it would be okay if she gave me a treat too. — Come on, say yes! — Greg glared at me again and said that after all the chaos I’d caused earlier, I didn’t deserve anything. I then let out my most pathetic, obnoxious whine ever! Finally, Greg rolled his eyes and told her to go ahead and give me a treat. Maybe that will shut up his awful whining. — Hey, you don’t have to be so tacky!

Sam looked at me and then reached into her pocket, pulled out a treat and gave it to me. — Oh, my gosh, that stuff was so good. I’ll bet Sam loves Cutie more than Greg loves me. He never feeds me anything remotely that tasty. — She patted my head and told Greg that I really seemed like a sweet dog. I wagged my tail and licked her hand again. Oh, she smelled so good, just like Cutie (who continued to ignore me). — She may become a project, and it might take a little time. However, I love projects.

After the treat episode, I decided to take a nap, so I moved over and lay down beside Cutie. She turned her head away, but she didn’t move. — Maybe there’s some progress. — As I dozed, Sam and Greg continued to talk in the background. They seemed to be hitting it off. I wondered how long Greg would stay mad at me? However, when I thought about it, I was proud of the great job I had done earlier. — I’ve been a truly great pack builder today.

Finally, Greg picked up my leash and told me it was time to go. He said goodbye to Sam and Cutie. I got Cutie’s attention and gave her a friendly tail wag. She sort of gave me a wag back. — I’m going to call that little wag, progress. Wow, I can’t get over how good she smells! — With that, we headed for the parking lot.

Sometimes, when it’s just me and Greg, he talks to me like I’m a human. Today turned out to be one of those days. As we got in his pickup truck, he said, “You know Chance, you were awful at the park today. Let me remind you of all the stuff you did. You broke away from me and ran all around the park barking and generally causing a great disturbance;”

Yes, I did!

“You scared little children!”

I’m sorry about that

“You turned over several tables!”

Not on purpose!

“Mainly, you caused a lot of chaos.”

It was all part of my plan!”

Then he went on, “However, if your leash hadn’t gotten tangled up with Cutie’s leash, I might not have met Sam today.”

Again, all part of the plan!

“Let me tell you, Sam is something special. She’s beautiful; she’s smart; she’s lovably shy; she seems very kind.”

Don’t forget she smells great too!

“I probably wouldn’t have gotten to meet her today if you weren’t the world’s worst dog! If I didn’t know better, I think you planned this whole thing so you could play Cupid.”

You mean pack builder.

“But we both know that’s not possible.”

I’m not so sure about that!

“However, right now, right here in this pickup, I should thank you. Now get your head back inside that window and look at me, … Okay, thank you Chance!”

You’re welcome!

The End