Studies. Research. Accolades.
I decided to take a breather from hunting down the mob who stole my friend and concentrate a little on what’s actually in front of me. Exams. A real cuss word among school boys and girls. Finals. Not another one!
I’m only a junior, but it’s already dangerously close to graduation and what has to follow next. But for those who are unfamiliar with me, and especially for the people in the back, Hi! I’m Camilla. I am a Christian, and I wear my faith on the outside, like, silver cross and all. I could be slaying vampires instead, but my mission is not that punk rock. I’m actually after peace. And prayer. And salvation.
And godly relationships, which shockingly includes studies and getting good grades. The urge to be a Christian girl who doesn’t strive for a D+ is surprisingly real. Although, it could be iconic.
Like Buffy 2.0
So, now that we’ve got that all set, let’s get another thing out of the way. I still keep an eye on my estranged friend, Beverly. She’s off enjoying her season with the cool kids, while they keep up the pretence of liking her. And I’m here shaking in bitter loneliness without having someone to talk to. I swear, I’m going to start talking alone soon because I don’t know how much longer I can hold it all in.
It’s this time of the year when literally everyone and their mother want to go on vacation, attend a destination wedding, anything like that.
And I am all about family gatherings and stuff, but my family consists of a single mom and I don’t have my BFF anymore. So, it’s beginning to look a lot like… misery. But there’s always a way out. And, like, don’t we know that already? I am not going to sulk because of Beverly or anyone else for that matter. My life is not defined by those who leave me, it’s defined by those who remain. And it’s Jesus, y’all. Yeah, I said it. It’s Him.
However, every day at school now is a pain in the rear because of tests and because I feel obligated to keep pulling off “that Christian girl” vibe. It’s not that I’m tired of wearing modest clothes paired with flashy cross necklaces, it’s just that I don’t know if it’s really me anymore. Like, I know I wanted to make a point and show everyone that I’ve changed, but I didn’t realize that it’s not just outfits– it’s a lifestyle, and it’s essentially a label that puts me in a box. And I don’t know if I’ve ever felt more restricted than this. I mean, when I was friends with Beverly I was just me. I didn’t have to define our relationship or who I was to her. I could just be there and it would be more than enough. But now, ironically, I’m all by myself and it feels like I’m not enough. Do you feel me? I just don’t know anymore. Like, what does it really take to function on this level? And is it even normal that I feel this way? But then again, what is normal these days, anyway?
I pass by Veronica in the hallways and see her with Ryan now. Can you imagine?! The Ryan I know would date a Christian, but he would not risk being associated with Veronica. And yet here we are…
Nicholas and Bev are looking tighter than ever, which is weird because I thought he would dump her already. And then I could be right there to comfort her back into our brand of reality. But it seems to me that I got it all wrong. Like, what is even going on?!
For those who are wondering: Beverly flushed our friendship down the toilet for a G.U.Y!
And, well, Veronica and Ryan are apparently a newly forged bond in my class.
It’s all janky business from where I stand.
Now…
Let’s get on the brighter side, shall we?
I want to tell you about Daniel, a.k.a my crush. I know that he isn’t really anywhere a believer, but I noticed on his Instagram, that he’s been featuring more of his personal space recently. I am not necessarily stalking him, but I zoomed in on one of his fresher posts and saw a Bible on his bookshelf. At this stage in our uncanny relationship, I know that it could have been placed there to sit still, look pretty. But, okay, okay — who am I to say that he’s never read the Bible in his life? It could only be a crude assumption, and one based on my unflattering opinion of him. But I still can’t help thinking he knew the view of the Bible would get in the frame. I just feel like he’s stagy like that. I might be wrong, but my intuition is way stronger now that I am a Christian.
I have this inner compass that only comes with having faith. And it’s not my mind, it’s the Holy Spirit that governs me.
Ever since I chose to be different, I feel different. I feel set apart. And that is what actually happens to people of faith. They become set apart to further the Kingdom of God. And they get assigned to go on a mission of faith, hope, and love. And my only concern now is if my mission is going to be a solitary endeavor?
Yeah, they think Christian girls are crazy. I believe you deserve to have an honest account. I am not going to sit here and pretend that I never wanted to be liked by the cool kids. I am not going to shy away from my truth. The worst thing to do though, is to try and get into the popular crowd by means of dating one of the cool kids. I don’t wish that destiny upon anyone. Lord have mercy! Trust me, you don’t want to make this mistake! Just trust me. Because have you seen A Walk to Remember?!
I’m the one trying to give you the real talk. And my advice: beware! BEWARE!!!
Just kidding. It’s a how to be a Christian 101.
Honestly, the only weakness that I know of, that unites all guys, is their weakness for romance. Oh, yeah, you heard me right. No guy can resist the feeling of romance. That feeling that something is about to form from this casual wink, cheeky smile, or even a repeated cheerful greeting. Guys are suckers for this stuff. But, don’t forget – you and I are Christians. That slaps, doesn’t it? They can be sitting among their circle of friends at your high school cafeteria while looking at you from a distance, knowing you’ve gotten to become a Christian edition. God knows, maybe they are even straight up next.
And what do the Christian edition peers look like, you’ll ask. And I’ll tell you that you’ve probably seen them. I’ll tell you that they are actually hard to miss. They’ll be wearing all kinds of modest clothes and the simpler, the better. It’s their layering and their tacit smile. The girls will also have a Christian hallmark – a headband most likely these days, or a dangling cross. I’d also point out skirts. There’s this air of frugal lifestyle and fresh laundry scent for a perfume. There’s this feeling that they are just about something else than friendship. You’ll see it in their eyes – they are out to convert you. And once they do, they’ll get you your first personal Bible. So yeah, that’s roughly the portrait.
But, of course, it’s a bit exaggerated. They can look more like you, but they are less like you at the same time. You won’t see it, but they pray at home, at school, and especially during PE. They read their Bible daily. And they journal, too. They are on a narrow path in life. And they have very admirable yet humble dreams. It’s a whole thing. They’ve got it all figured out. You might have witnessed their quiet confidence. Or that they’re quiet, period. Some of them might be a know-it-all. Won’t be tamed. Faith can vary in expression. But I stand by what I said. You’ve probably seen them.
As for me, I’d been hiding behind black pants and colorful hoodies all this time. I was wearing things that made me feel safe. But now that I’ve found faith, I’m not just safe, I’m saved. Yeah, I said it. The cheesiest thing you’ll hear all day. But I’ve just recently decided to wear my faith on the outside. Because when you’re happy you want to do matchy-matchy. And that’s what I am: this is me. Getting here only took me a couple of calendar years and a handful of unsavory experiences. I’d survived my own character arc, and I’m ready to put it on a T-shirt. And just like that God placed a worship song on my heart that I would love your heart to have. It’s called The Color Holy
I’m colorblind for color Holy,
The other colors are alright.
I’m colorblind for color Holy,
I’ve never worn it in my life.
I’m colorblind for color Holy,
They say it’s plain, but I don’t buy.
I’m colorblind for color Holy,
This color makes me want to cry.
I’m colorblind for color Holy,
Its luminescence’s hard to fight.
I’m colorblind for color Holy,
This color’s burning in my mind.
I’m colorblind for color Holy,
There’s only one that I can’t see.
I’m only blind for color Holy,
This color is the reason I believe.
Chorus :
I’m colorblind for color Holy,
I’m only blind for color Holy.
2X
Green – Yellow – Blue – Lime,
Pink – White – Navy – Brown,
Aqua – Silver – Crimson – Gray,
Orange – Lilac – Black – Red,
Holy! Holy! Holy!
I’m colorblind for color Holy,
I’m only blind for color Holy.
2X
Green – Yellow – Blue – Lime,
Pink – White – Navy – Brown,
Aqua – Silver – Crimson – Gray,
Orange – Lilac – Black – Red,
Holy! Holy! Holy!
I’m colorblind for color Holy,
There’s only one that I can’t see.
I’m only blind for color Holy,
This color is the reason I believe.
2X
Holy…
I hold this alive in me. And I am better for it. I appreciate the spiritual community in my life so much! I’m watching the clouds drift higher and higher to give way to the glory and splendor of an exclusive spring kind of sundown. This has to be it for now.