(My husband is in Washington on business. He doesn’t really get the whole time zones thing, so ends up messaging me and the group chat we are all in at really odd times. I am woken up by a stream of messages he sends us, which are song lyrics.)

Me: “Why are you sending us lyrics?”

Husband: “I’m watching A Christmas Carol!”

Me: “Why? It’s July…”

Husband: “Because this hotel only has p*rn and this one movie!”

Me: “Then, please watch the p*rn and let me SLEEP!”

Husband: “I don’t think you want me watching this p*rn.”

Me: “Why?”

Husband: “It’s all gay. Like, literally every single one.”

Me: “So, there’s a hotel, in Washington, that exclusively provides gay p*rn? What is [Company] thinking?”

Husband: “Maybe they think I’m unfaithful, or gay?”

Me: “Well, good luck with that!”

(I turn back over and start drifting off. My phone goes off once more and I decide just to check it.)

Brother: *who is gay* “Name and address, please! This hotel sounds hot.”

(Muted for the first time ever, the phone was thrown into the hallway.)