My ex-husband and I filed for divorce for many reasons. A big one was a lack of physical intimacy — not on my end. So, very shortly after filing, I sought out the physical intimacy I wanted. I am a woman seeking this from men, so I thought I wouldn’t have much trouble.

I made it very clear on my dating app profile that I was going through divorce proceedings, so I was still legally married and, as such, was absolutely not looking for anything that could in any universe be described as “serious”, “long-term”, or even “more than one night.” It literally said, “I am the definition of ‘here for a good time, not a long time’.”

I cannot count the number of men who told me they could “really see a future with me” as if it were a blessing they were giving me. Ew.

But the one that always sticks out is this one guy. He was very, very attractive, nearby, and also just out of a long-term relationship — perfect! We met in public, and he was a bit pretentious, but again, I wasn’t there for a personality. I made it very clear once again exactly what I was after, and that that was the only thing I wanted. That one specific thing was a sure thing as long as he didn’t ruin it. He seemed to understand, and we went to his house…

Where he proceeded to try all his “moves”. Which, you know, fine — some people have certain things they like to do for the setup, so whatever. The problem is that one of his “moves” was his vinyl collection. I could not care less about vinyl records. It’s cool if you’re into it; I’m just not.

He was just so terribly shocked! He simply had to play me some of his records. I’d change my mind, obviously!

So, this man pulled out a vinyl record, which he intentionally selected, for the specific purpose of impressing me, on something that was explicitly not a date, and which I had already expressed could only go one specific way.

What I heard from that vinyl record was “Smooth Operator” by Sade.

I’m not on dating apps anymore.